


Nightmare

by theflyinganonymouse



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sorry!, mature because of subject matter, not because of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 02:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyinganonymouse/pseuds/theflyinganonymouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall is attacked leaving an interview and the boys must pull together to help their band mate through his recovery. It isn’t easy…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Originally on my tumblr theflyinganonymouse where you can find more fics

There were way too many girls for security to cope with and Niall soon found himself adrift in the crowd of screaming girls. They kept pulling him into hugs and stopping him for photographs but he didn’t mind. For the moment at least, he still found himself able to breathe and feel safe despite the way their bodies surrounded his.

 The main group of security were trying to shield Harry and Louis, who insisted on giving each other piggy backs and acting up on their bromance to the point that girls were nearly fainting from excitement, while the others kept an eye on the other three members of One Direction from ahead, trying to clear a path to the cars that were waiting a couple of hundred metres away.

 Niall spotted Liam through the crowd and the two shared quick looks of  _are you okay?_ And _I’m fine_ before their attention was dragged back to the fans in front of them.

 One girl approached him now, a strangely blank look on her face, and she asked for a hug.

 Niall obliged with a happy grin that quickly slipped from his face as the girl spoke in his ear when he wrapped his arms around her.

 “They’re too good for you.” She said. “You’re dragging them down and ruining One Direction for everyone. You should have quit, you shouldn’t be here.”

 She disappeared into the crowd before he could say anything.

 There was a funny feeling in his stomach and it felt like the world had suddenly drained of noise.

 Then, somebody screamed.

 This scream was different to the ones he was used to; fear rather than excitement, horror as opposed to pure delight.

 The funny feeling in his stomach turned into a searing pain and he put his hands to it in an effort to get it to stop. He looked down, away from the crying faces, and saw his hands coated in red.

 Blood.

 He felt his legs begin to buckle underneath him and suddenly Liam was there, catching him before he could fall.

 They ended up on the cold concrete anyway.

 He was vaguely aware of security shouting in the background and the worried faces of his other band mates as they fought their way to the front of the crowd but his eyes were only for Liam.

 And Liam, Liam looked so angry and Niall couldn’t think of what he had done wrong.

 He pressed down on the smaller boy’s stomach so hard that Niall cried out in pain but he didn’t let up, not even when blood-soaked hands tried to pry his hands away.

 Liam shook his head at him but Niall still fought his hands because the older boy was hurting him, didn’t he understand?

 He thought Liam liked him, that he wouldn’t do something like this.

 “I know it hurts but I’ve got to, I need to stop the bleeding.” He said to him, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but you’ve got to hold on.”

 Niall nodded without understanding.

 Hold onto what?

 There was no grass for him to thread his fingers through and anchor himself, just the harsh concrete and the cold that seemed to be working its way into his limbs.

 Suddenly, a hand took his, prying it from Liam’s, and Niall grasped at it tightly, happier now that he had found that thing to hold on to. 

 His eyes moved listlessly away from Liam’s face and to the hundreds he could feel watching him, crowding him and stealing the air from his lungs.

 “Breathe.” Someone said to him. “Please, just breathe.”

 He tried, he really did, but his body wouldn’t cooperate.

 The world started to grey at the edges and his eyes were growing heavy.

 “Niall, please, just hold on, please.” The voice sounded like it was crying.

 He gave the hand that held his own a weak squeeze, wanting to say that he was still trying, but didn’t the voice realise how hard it was?

 A second voice spoke, “Just keep squeezing my hand. Come on, Nialler, you’re stronger than that.”

 He recognised this second voice as Louis’ but he couldn’t make out the older boy’s face only centimetres from his own.

“Keep squeezing my hand, Niall, pretend its Liam’s bum.”

 He wanted to laugh at this but the noise caught in his throat and he ended up coughing weakly, the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth.

 He tried to focus his eyes but he couldn’t and the roar of voices drowned out his own desperate gasps for air.

 “There’s so much blood.”

 “Get back! Get back!”

 “Why would anybody do this?”

 “Keep holding on, don’t let go, okay?”

 “He’s dying!”

 “Did anyone see what happened?”

 “Where the hell is that ambulance?”

 “I don’t think he can last much longer.”

 “Don’t say that!”

 The words meant nothing to him because he just felt so tired.

 All he wanted to do was sleep.

 He wondered if anyone would notice if he closed his eyes for a minute?

 “Hey, don’t you dare.” The first voice said. “Keep your eyes open, don’t go to sleep.”

 The hand holding his squeezed painfully hard but that only made his eyes flicker before falling completely shut.

 He felt himself drifting.

 “No, Niall! Stay with me!”

 “Can you hear that, Nialler? The ambulance is here, you’re going to be okay.”

 The voices sounded so far away.

 “Just a few more minutes.”

 He let go.

-

“Male, 18, single stab wound to the stomach. Huge blood loss and suspected internal bleeding. Crashed twice on the way in.”

 “We need to get him into theatre- shit, I know him! He’s in that band, my daughter loves them!”

 “Happened on the way out of an interview.”

 A bright light.

 “Hello, Mr Horan? I’m Doctor Wardell, can you hear me?”

 Then black.

-

_“First of all, thank you so much for agreeing to this, I promise we won’t keep you long. How are you all holding up?”_

_“Not very well, to be honest.” The voice was tired and hoarse, as if the speaker had spent hours crying. “We’re all in shock. This feels like a nightmare.”_

_“And how is he? We’ve heard so many different reports and rumours- what can you tell us?”_

_A shaky sigh, “it-it’s not looking good. His family are with him now and the rest of us boys haven’t left the hospital since- since…”_

_“And do you have a message to all your fans?”_

_“Just thank you so much for all your support and please keeping on praying. Niall needs all the help he can get.”_


	2. Chapter Two

Worried faces.

 Distant voices.

 Constant beeping.

 An inescapable heat.

 He wanted to toss and turn and kick away the sheets that swamped his body but the exhaustion that clouded his every thought made it impossible.

 He burned.

-

 “How is he?”

 “He’s still critical. We’re doing everything we can but with this infection that he’s picked up-.”

 “But, he’s going to be okay, right?”

 “We need to break this fever first…It’s way too high, he’s going to…”

 “Oh my God…”

 “Call the doctor! He’s seizing!”

-

 He choked and spluttered as something was slipped into his mouth, burning so differently from the heat that still plagued him.

 Someone stroked his hair and told him to relax, “it’s ice, it’ll help your throat.”

 He didn’t relax until the ice melted and the cold water slipped down his dry and painful throat, soothing as it went down.

 He tried to wet his lips and a second later another slither of ice was melting in his mouth.

 He wanted to open his eyes but found that his lids were too heavy and he was just so _exhausted_ that he gave up after achieving nothing more than a fluttering of the lashes.

 “It’s alright, you’re still very weak. You have an infection.” The voice told him as he was fed chip after chip of ice. “That’s why you have a fever…You’re doing better today, the fever isn’t so high…You’ll be okay.”

-

_“It’s been a week since One Direction member Niall Horan was stabbed while leaving an interview in Manchester. We spoke to band mate Zayn Malik last Thursday and today we’ve got Harry Styles on the phone. Good morning, Harry, how are you doing?”_

_“I’m okay…tired.” Harry’s voice was flat._

_“We’ve heard nothing official since we spoke with Zayn last week, can you tell us what’s been going on? We’ve had thousands of emails and tweets asking for more information.”_

_“Where do I start?” Harry was silent for a moment. “He had to have surgery when he got into the hospital, the doctors said he had an internal bleed but they managed to fix it before he could bleed out. They said he was minutes away from-.”_

_A sharp breath._

_“Are you okay?”_

_“What? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Another deep inhalation. “Anyway, he’s been in intensive care all week, he picked up an infection from the surgery and he’s had a really bad fever. He had a seizure yesterday and pulled all his stitches which hasn’t exactly helped things. He’s doing better today, though, the fever broke this morning. He’s still critical but he’s stable now which is good news.”_

_“It is, that’s very good news. Do you have anything you want to say to all your fans out there?”_

_“Thanks again for all your messages and support, you don’t know how much they mean to us. Keep sending all your love Niall’s way.”_

-

 It seemed like forever until the heat finally left him.

It had drained him of all of his strength and it took the greatest of efforts to do the simplest of things.

 But, he was too tired to be frustrated. He was too tired to do much of anything. He didn’t even complain about his parents and band mates fussing over him; touching him, feeding him, coddling him. He just let them. It was easier that way.

 He didn’t even try to hide the fact that he wasn’t sleeping. That every time he closed his eyes he could see her blank face, hear her cruel words and the screams of the crowd, their bodies pressing closer and closer…cutting off all air…

 He had woken up screaming and crying so many times that he had lost count.

 He knew he looked terrible, skin an ashen grey and bags as dark as bruises under his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He didn’t even care about how worried everyone was about him, all he wanted to do was disappear into a reality where none of this had happened and life was as it used to be, as it should be.

 He knew nothing could ever be the same again.

-

 The police came to see him a week after he had first properly woken, once the doctors had said he was strong enough and could actually stay awake for longer than 5 minutes at a time.

 They asked to speak to him alone and his parents quickly obliged, for, as much as they loved their son, they were frightened by the empty shell he had become and it pained them to see him like that.

 “I’m going to record this, okay?” The first police officer said, his deep voice rumbling in his chest as he spoke. “Don’t be nervous, just try to answer the questions as fully as you can. Any information that you can give us could be vital in helping us catch who did this to you.”

 He nodded and tried to ignore the bile building in the back of his throat. He didn’t want to remember.

 “Can you tell us what happened on the morning of the 15th May?”

 Haltingly, he told them about the interview and the journey to the cars. How there were too many girls for security to cope with, how Harry and Louis had been fooling around, how he had managed to catch Liam’s eye. He stopped when it got to the part about the girl, the words stuck in his throat.

 “And what happened next?” The second police officer, a woman with a kind smile, asked.

 Niall shook his head.

 “Could you tell us what she looked like?”

 He shook his head again. All he could remember was the look on her face, not her hair colour or what she had been wearing. He had seen so many girls that day, that week, and their faces had all blurred into a mask of cold hatred.

 “It’s okay, calm down. That’s it, take some deep breaths. Did she say anything to you?”

 He remembered this, as much as he didn’t want to. He told them, word for word, his voice barely more than a whisper.

 “And then she-?” The first officer asked but Niall wasn’t listening.

 He hadn’t told anyone else what she had said but, instead of feeling like a weight off his chest, his lungs started to burn and he found it hard to breathe.

 The female officer tried to put a hand on his arm but he panicked and flinched away, his mind quickly going back to that day.

 He remembered all the voices, the way he couldn’t get enough air, the anger on Liam’s face and, oh god, the pain- the  _pain_!

 It hurt, shit, he hurt so much and he was dying! There was so much he hadn’t done yet-!

 He brought his hands up to his face and he could see the blood dripping from them, his life slipping away.

 And suddenly he was so afraid, so god-damned frightened, because this was it.

 He was vaguely aware of someone screaming before he felt a prick in his arm and the world around him faded, he fought against it, desperate to not let go.

 The dark became too much.

-

 Someone was stroking his hair when he next awoke and he could feel a warm body pressed against his own.

 On instinct he curled against the other person and buried his head in the crook of the other’s neck.

 The other person, Liam, he knew, just from his smell, let out a soft chuckle, “Finally awake then, sleepy head?”

 The noise Niall made was somewhere between ‘give me 5 more minutes’ and a moan.

Liam laughed and Niall felt him kiss the top of his head.

 It was nice to have a lazy morning like this, he decided, to wake up feeling loved and cared for. Maybe Liam would let him stay in bed all day? Or, at least, until the other boys woke up and came bursting into their room, eager to go shopping or to the cinema or wherever.

 “Are you feeling better?” Liam asked.

 Then Niall remembered and his whole body froze.

 “Ah.” Liam said, awkwardly, his whole body seeming to slump.

 There was a silence between them that seemed to last forever before Liam spoke again, “I should probably go tell the doctor that you’re awake, you slept longer than anyone thought you would but I suppose you must have been so tired, you haven’t been sleeping properly.”

 Niall didn’t say anything.

 “I came to see you and as soon as I stepped onto the ward I could hear you screaming and I thought you must be having another nightmare so I ran to your room and there were all these doctors and nurses holding you down as you screamed and screamed and you were covered in blood.” Liam was rambling now, his voice shaking as he tried to repress sobs. “I had thought something had happened, that maybe you had been hurt again, but you were having a panic attack and kicking and fighting anyone who tried to get close to you. You had pulled your stitches again, just as you were finally starting to heal, and they had to sedate you before you could hurt yourself anymore. I told them they were scaring you, that you didn’t like being crowded but they wouldn’t listen to me and the way you just went still, it was if-.”

 Liam finally started to sob.

 “I’ve been so frightened. These past few weeks have been hell, you were so ill after the surgery and the infection, it, it- we weren’t sure you were going to pull through and then you did but it was like you weren’t here, you know? Your eyes were open but it was like you were still asleep, that part of you had never woken up-.”

 Niall clung to the older boy desperately, feeling the terrible ache in his stomach from both his wound and Liam’s words.

 He tried to tell him that he was feeling better, that he would try now that he wasn’t so tired, but nothing more than strangled apologies made it passed his lips.

 “Why are you apologising?” Liam asked. “None of this, none of what’s happened, is your fault. We’re going to get through this. You’re going to get better and I’m going to pull myself together and we’re going to make it through. Me and the boys, we’re here for you, whatever you need, whatever it takes- we all love you  _so much_!”

 Niall was crying now, too. Big, wet sobs that hurt.

 Liam held him closer, if it was even possible, and they cried together.

 They cried and cried until they could cry no more.

 “We’ll get through this.” Liam repeated.

 For the first time since Niall could remember, hope bubbled in the pit of his stomach.

 Maybe, just maybe, things might get better.

 “Go to sleep.” Liam told him. “I’ll stay with you tonight, keep you safe.”

 Niall nodded, the sudden urge to sleep overwhelming, and let his eyes slip shut.

 There were no nightmares that night.


	3. Chapter Three

The next few days were better and he began to smile again, laugh even, much to the joy of those that visited him.

 His parents went back to Ireland a few days after his and Liam’s talk,  _breakdown_ , confident now that their son really was getting better and was going to be looked after by his band mates.

 And he was. The four other boys brought him his laptop, iPod, phone, a whole stack of his favourite films as well as plenty of pairs of loose pyjamas so he didn’t have to wear the hospital gown any longer.

 They took it in turns to stay with him and made sure he was never left alone, even going as far as to having an extra bed brought into his room so that they could sleep comfortably. Not that they ever really used it, except for when all four of them were crowded into the room during the day, as they all insisted on sleeping with their blonde band mate, limbs wrapped around him just to assure themselves that, yes, he really was still there with them. The only time the bed was ever used at night was when Niall was feeling too sore to be squashed against someone else, which as his pain medication was reduced and he got stronger and started moving around, was happening more and more.

 His first steps had come two and a half weeks after  _it_  had first happened.

 They had left him dizzy and clinging to the closest person to him at the time (Harry). It took a few more days before he was able to get to the bathroom without help, though, actually doing anything in there unaided was a lot longer in coming, and it took even longer before he started doing agonizingly slow circuits of the ward, his IV pole and a band mate forever in tow.

 He often got frustrated at how long his recovery was taking but then he’d catch the smile on the face of whoever was there with him and he couldn’t help but smile, too. He was alive and his friends were there with him, supporting him every step of the way. He could never frown for long.

 And the fans. The fans were phenomenal.

 Every day on twitter he was bombarded with mentions, telling him to get better and giving #reasonsforNialltosmile. Liam had put up a photo of the two of them three days after their  _talk_  and twitter had seemed to explode. It was the first one since  _it_ and he had looked terrible, being far too pale and having lost a lot of weight since coming into hospital (not to mention his hair which was limp and greasy and hadn’t been brushed in god knows how long) but the response had been amazing. So many people had said how happy they were that he was getting better.

 And, once Liam had posted a photo to twitter, the other boys wanted to do the same.

 They put up photos of him sleeping, of him looking unimpressed with the hospital food, of him laughing at someone’s joke, of him stood in the ward, his face flushed and sweaty but grinning so widely because he had finally managed to escape his room.

 It didn’t escape the fans notice that his pyjamas, way too loose on his small frame, in the first few photos, bright blue with penguins on (a present from Louis), were the same ones and soon he was receiving novelty pyjamas from all over the world.

 One fan from the US even sent the boys matching onesies with their names and faces printed on the front which they had all loved and changed into immediately, getting a nurse to take a picture of the five of them together in them before posting it to twitter and thanking the girl.

 Pyjamas weren’t the only presents that Niall got; he got teddy bears and drawings and cards and boxes of chocolates, which he no longer had the stomach for but the other boys happily wolfed down, and everything that could be imagined. Zayn often joked that there were enough presents to fill warehouses and Niall half believed him. The boys went through it for him, after it had been checked by security, and every day brought in the best cards and gifts for him to look at and read.

 Once he was well enough, Niall made sure to tweet his appreciation for all their support at least once a day and it warmed his heart to see how much they all cared.

 It helped so much with the insecurities that had risen within him like sleeping giants.

 There were those few tweets, of course, that told him he deserved it, that he should have died, but he tried to ignore them. They were drops of rain in a tidal wave of love.

 He didn’t tell the other boys about them and he never once mentioned the day  _it_ happened, though, he knew they were curious.

 Finally, one of the snapped.

 They had been sat in Niall’s room, joking and laughing as the blonde panted and grinned on his bed, exhausted from his latest circuit of the ward. That day had been the first time that he had managed it three times in succession and Harry and Zayn, who had been his escorts, were grinning so wide and tousling his hair, though it really didn’t need it, while they related his walk to the other two as if it were an epic journey from a fairy tale.

 “And there he had been, but a few steps from rest,” Harry announced, grandly, “his weary limbs shaking, when our bold hero decided-.”

 “She spoke to you.” Louis cut the youngest off and they all immediately knew who he was talking about. “Before she, she- well, what did she say? What reason did she give?”

 The smile slowly drained from Niall’s face and he swallowed nervously. He knew this moment had been building up for a long time and that the boys deserved what little explanation he could give. Even if, somewhere, deep down, he was frightened that once they knew they would agree with the girl and decide they were better off without him. He knew it was a stupid fear but one he held all the same, having found no way to shake it off.

 “Niall…” Louis said, bringing him out of his thoughts.

 Niall let out a long sigh and he told them word for word, just as he had done with the police two weeks before, what the girl had said.

 There was a stunned silence in the room and Niall could feel himself start to panic because they agreed with her, he wasn’t good enough and they were going to leave him, before the four other boys, almost as one, moved to the bed and wrapped their arms around him.

 The panic he felt now was for an entirely different reason and he tried to push it away and let himself be held and loved.

 When they finally pulled apart, perhaps hours or only minutes later, Zayn said, “You do know she’s crazy, right, babes?”

 “One Direction, without you, without anyone of us, it just wouldn’t work.” Liam told him. “We’re brothers and best friends and nobody can take that away from us.”

 “Besides,” Louis was grinning now, though his eyes were lacking their usual sparkle, “what’s a boy band without a token leprechaun?”

 -

_“It’s been a couple of weeks since we last spoke to anyone from One Direction but I’m pleased to say that we’ve got Louis Tomlinson on the line! How are you doing, Louis?”_

_“I’m great, thank you, how are you?”_

_“I’m very well, thanks. Now, let’s get straight down to business. The last time I spoke to one of you was a couple of weeks ago when things weren’t looking so great. It’s all a different story now, isn’t it?”_

_“It sure is! Our little Nialler is finally on the mend. He’s been out of bed and walking around and he even took a shower by himself for the first time yesterday which Liam was very disappointed about. He loved giving Niall sponge baths.”_

_A quiet voice in the background, “Hey!”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry, was that meant to be a secret?” Louis’ voice sing-songed._

_“And who do you have with you?”_

_“Liam and Harry. Zayn’s at our hotel and Niall is sleeping. He does that a lot nowadays.”_

_“I’ve got loads of questions here from fans but there’s been one that keeps popping up more than others-.”_

_“Yes, Harry will marry them.”_

_A laugh, “Surprisingly, that’s not the question. Everybody wants to know when Niall will be getting out of hospital.”_

_“We’re not sure yet, to be honest, it depends on how quickly he continues to get better and if there are any more setbacks. It could be the end of this week or next week or even the week after. Whenever the nurses want to get rid of us, really.”_

_“Anything you want to say to everyone listening out there?”_

_“Yes! Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for us these past couple of weeks. It’s been hell at times and the only thing that’s kept us going is all the love from our fans. All of us, even Niall, check our twitter every day and we’re so thankful for your continued support. Please keep sending it our way!”_


	4. Chapter Four

It was another week before he was finally released from hospital.

 They had kept the news very quiet so that when Niall finally took his first few steps out into fresh air there were only a few fans hanging around and no paparazzi at all.

 When the girls saw him they screamed and ran towards him, shouting his name and 101 questions that seemed to blend into one solid block of noise.

 Niall had frozen to the spot, his mind going back to the last time he had been surrounded by girls, the last time he had been shouted and screamed at, and he nearly panicked.

 Then, Liam had wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close and he knew he was safe. Zayn appeared at his other side, threw a casual arm around his shoulder, and Louis and Harry seemed to materialise out of nowhere in front of the three of them, reaching the girls before they could reach Niall.

 “Ladies, ladies!” Harry yelled. “Can we please have a little quiet?”

 It took a few minutes for them to stop screaming but they did so eventually.

 “Now, I know you’re all very excited to see our resident Irish God but remember, this is his first time out of the hospital in a month, and he’s still not 100%.” Louis told them. “He’s agreed to a couple of photos but we’ve not got much time.”

 The girls squealed and clapped their hands excitedly but they agreed to not hold the boys up too much as they realised how ill Niall still looked.

 “Can we just have some pictures of you together as a band?” One of the girls asked with a wide smile on her face, eyeing the way Liam and Zayn had their arms around Niall.

 The other girls readily agreed and after posing for a couple of minutes they were allowed to carry on to the car that was waiting for them. Their usual security, having been doubled since  _it_  had happened, had watched on carefully, ready to step in if needed.

 There were even more fans waiting outside their hotel, the news of Niall being released having spread quickly due to the fans at the hospital tweeting and uploading their photos to tumblr.

 “Do you want to do photos again here?” Liam asked as they pulled up in front of the hotel, watching the younger boy’s face carefully. “It’s okay if you don’t. Me and you can go straight inside and the other boys can stay and chat for a while.”

 Niall’s heart thudded painfully in his chest as he eyed the crowd.

 There were only perhaps 50 or 60 girls there so it wasn’t the largest number they had ever had to deal with and he knew that the other boys and security would keep him safe but the idea of their shrill screams and hot bodies pressing close to his, closing him in and stealing his air…it made him feel sick.

 But, on the other hand, he wanted to do something nice for the fans, to take photos with them and answer their questions and thank them for all their support. He wanted to let them know how much they meant to him, how much he had needed (and still did) all their kind words and thoughts.

 “You’re shaking, babe.” Zayn said, nudging Niall’s shoulder. “I think you should go straight inside.”

 The others agreed.

 “They’ll understand.” Harry told him.

 So, when the car stopped, they waited for security to open their door and Liam told them the plan. Then Liam helped Niall out of the car and, surrounded by three of the biggest and scariest members of their security, they made a beeline straight for the door.

 Halfway there, there was a sudden, heavy push from behind and the security guy at the rear of the group lost his footing and fell forwards into Niall, knocking them both to the floor. The still healing wound in the blonde’s stomach exploded in pain as he fell awkwardly and was squashed by the weight of the man above him.

 He let out a yell of pain but it was drowned in the noise of the crowd.

 And no matter how much he squirmed and moved, there was no way he could free himself and he couldn’t get any air. The weight on top of him was crushing him and he must have hit his head because it was throbbing in time with his stomach and he was going to pass out or throw up or both.

 Somebody put something into his hand but he barely noticed, the only thought going through his mind was that he was going to faint.

 He was hardly aware when the weight suddenly lifted and someone picked him up and he was being carried but he didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t dare. He didn’t want to see any faces, he didn’t want the world to spin.

 Then the noise stopped and he was put down onto something soft and he immediately wrapped his arms around his painful middle and curled into a ball and pleaded with whoever was listening that the hurt would stop.

 His lungs burned and his face was wet but he hardly noticed.

 “Hey,” someone, Liam, said sharply, “you need to calm down, you’re going to pass out if you don’t start breathing properly.”

 Familiar hands were stroking his hair.

 “Just breathe, you’re alright. You’re having a panic attack.”

 It seemed to take forever before his body started to cooperate and he tried to time his shaky inhalations with the long and gentle strokes of Liam’s hands through his hair.

 “That’s it, Niall, you’re doing well, keep on going.”

 When he finally opened his eyes he didn’t know how much time had passed but his breathing had returned to almost normal and his knees, where he had been resting his face, were soaked in tears.

 They were in the reception of the hotel. He was sat on a sofa with Liam to his left and the other boys stood around them, watching them with wide eyes and scared expressions. Security stood menacingly at the doors to the hotel.

 “Are you okay?” Liam asked. “You don’t need to go back to hospital, do you?”

 Niall shook his head and told them in a hoarse voice that he was fine.

 He straightened his stiff legs and unwound his arms from around his middle but he didn’t unclench his fists as they fell to his side.

 “Are you sure?” Zayn asked, looking worried.

 “You look terrible.” Louis told him, bluntly. “Maybe we should get you checked out…”

 “Hey, what’s that in your hand?” Harry asked, sitting at Niall’s other side and gently lifting his fist.

 Niall shrugged and unclenched his hand. There was a piece of paper.

 He unfolded it with shaking hands and his blood turned to ice as he read it.

  _You don’t deserve them. You should have died._

-

 His room in the hotel was exactly how he had left it. Dirty clothes strewn all over the floor and his duvet a tangled mess at the foot of his bed. He was glad.

 “We wouldn’t let anyone touch it.” Harry told him, his face lighting up at Niall’s half-smile.

 “The only things we took were the stuff we brought to the hospital with us.” Zayn said, putting the bag of Niall’s things from his hospital stay on the floor next to bed. “We thought we’d leave the mess for you to tidy up when you were feeling better.”

 Niall gave them a tired smile as he collapsed onto the bed, exhausted from the day’s events.

 “Do you want to sleep?” Harry asked.

 He nodded, his eyes growing heavy, and he sluggishly tried to kick his supras off.

 Louis bent to help without saying a word.

 “I think we need to talk about what just happened.” Liam said. “We need to tell the police about the note at least.”

 “And say what? None of us saw her face so it’s not like we can give them any more information.” Zayn sighed, running a hand through his, for once, less than perfect hair.

 “But they have to know that she’s still out there, that she still wants to hurt Niall.” Liam looked angry.

 “That’s hardly new.” Harry pointed out. “But he should be safe with all the extra security and we’ll be there, too.”

 “Did you not see what happened today?” Liam nearly shouted. “Security didn’t exactly work out that time, did it?”

 Louis shook his head, his face unusually serious, “That was overenthusiastic fans more than anything, we should say something to them about it- maybe a radio interview or a press release.”

 “Or a twitcam.” Harry added.

 “Louis’ right, what happened today was more down to happy fans than a singular psycho-bitch. Maybe we need to ask them to back off for a while? Just until Niall is a bit stronger.” Zayn said.

 Liam looked like he wanted to argue his point further but instead he just let out a long sigh, “You’re right, guys. I’m sorry, I’m overreacting. I’m just so fucking scared that something’s going to happen to him, that we’re not going to be able to save him this time.”

 Harry wrapped his arm around the older boy’s waist, “We’re all scared but we’ve just got to be rational about things, take them as they come. We can’t keep worrying or panicking every time something like this happens, it’ll just make Niall more upset or make him ill all over again.”

 “It’s just words at the moment.” Louis said, “the moment it escalates into threats then we’ll go straight to the police.”

 Liam still looked unsure and he looked to the object of their discussion, suddenly feeling guilty that they had been talking about him as if he hadn’t even been in the room.

 But Niall hadn’t noticed, he had fallen asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.    

-

 The four uninjured boys all tweeted that night as their band mate showered, trying to rid himself of the hospital smell that seemed to cling to him, and thanked their fans for all their support while also asking for a little bit of space for Niall, just for a little while.

 News of what had happened at the hotel, at least the part about the security guard and Niall falling, had spread quickly on the internet and there had been a massive backlash against those who had been present. Videos of the event had quickly appeared on youtube and tumblr and images of Niall being carried through the crowd by a security guard while mid-panic attack were everywhere.

 Almost like the photos of Niall cradled in Liam’s lap with Louis at their side, the blonde’s blood all over their hands and clothes and pooling on the floor under them while Niall’s eyes stared emptily at the sky above, had.

 The four boys had then phoned management and told them their idea about the radio interviews and it was agreed that management would sort out phone interviews for them the next morning and that there would also be an official press release by midday.

 Much to Harry’s disappointment, the twitcam idea was vetoed but they were told to keep uploading photos to show that they were okay and they weren’t angry with the fans.

 “Get plenty with Niall in.” One of management said. “Try and make him look as poorly as possible, they might leave him alone once they realise how ill he is.”

 “We don’t need to try.” Louis said into the phone, a scowl on his face. “He already looks half-dead.”

 When Niall returned from the bathroom, he immediately sunk back down onto his bed and pulled the covers up around himself.

 “More sleep, Nialler?” Harry asked, sitting on the bed next to him and running his hand through the damp tufts of hair sticking out from underneath the duvet. “Don’t you want anything to eat?”

 Niall shook his head and buried deeper into the bed.

 “We were thinking of ordering room service but I’m sure one of security wouldn’t mind going on a Nando’s run, if you want one.” Louis said, sharing a concerned look with Liam.

 They were used to Niall sleeping loads in the hospital but he had gotten better in the last few days, he had even managed to sit all the way through a film the day before without nodding off.

 Niall shuffled in the bed and he pulled the duvet away from his face, a smile lighting up his face at the mention of his favourite restaurant.

 “I thought that might get you interested.” Louis grinned, bouncing down on the bed. “Now, what do you want? Your usual?”

 Niall nodded.

 “Me and Liam’ll go talk to Paul, I’m sure he won’t mind.” Zayn said.

 An hour later, when they had their food, they all sat on Niall’s double bed and ate, laughing and joking with each other almost like old times.

 And if Niall didn’t eat even half of his meal before curling into Zayn’s side and falling asleep, the boys pretended not to notice.

-

_“Okay, so the moment you guys have all been waiting for: we have Liam Payne on the phone!”_

_“Good morning! How are you doing, mate?”_

_“I’m not too bad and yourself?”_

_“Yeah, I’m alright. Feeling a lot better now that Niall’s out of the hospital.”_

_“Yeah, we heard about that. How is he doing after yesterday? There have been loads of photos in the newspapers this morning of what happened outside the hotel. For anyone who doesn’t know, do you want to explain to them what happened?”_

_“There were a few fans outside the hotel when we got back with Niall. There was a bit of pushing and shoving and one of the security guys fell onto Niall. They’re both okay, though.”_

_“Really? Niall doesn’t really look okay in some of these photos.”_

_A slight pause, “he had a panic attack. He’s never been good with small spaces and ever since, since_ then _, he’s had quite a few. But, we’re looking after him and we’re going to keep him safe.”_

_“And where is he? Is there any chance of us getting a quick word with him?”_

_Muffled voices._

_An ‘are you sure?’_

_“He’s here, let me just pass you over.”_

_More muffled noise._

_“Hello, Niall? Are you there?”_

_Heavy breathing and a whispered greeting._

_“How are you feeling, buddy?”_

_A low sound that sounds somewhere between a whimper and an ‘I can’t do this’ and there’s more noise as the phone is passed between hands._

_“Hello?”_

_“Liam, hi. Is he alright?”_

_“Yeah, he’s just a bit shy. I don’t think he’s quite ready for interviews yet.”_

_“That’s understandable. So, I’ve got to ask the question: what’s next for One Direction? You guys were supposed to be recording your second album at the moment, right?”_

_“That’s right, the interview in Manchester was our last one before we were due to go into the studio to start recording…As for what’s next for us, well, first of all we’re going to have some time off to let Niall recover and then who knows? We have our arena tour at the beginning of next year but between now and then, we have no idea. We’ll probably find time to record the new album but none of us are really sure what’s going to happen. We haven’t really spoken about it.”_

_“But you’re staying together, right?”_

_“Of course, there are five people in this band and without any one of those people we aren’t One Direction. We’re best friends and nothing is going to change that.”_

_“I’m sure girls worldwide are celebrating right now. Quickly, before you go, do you have a message for your fans?”_

_“Yes. Hello everyone, thank you so much for your support, you guys have been absolutely amazing! Words can’t express how much it means to us all, especially Niall. You know how much we love meeting you guys but I have a favour to ask, can you please just give us some space for a few weeks? Just while we get our heads sorted. Thank you!”_


	5. Chapter Five

The feeling of sleeping in his own bed again was indescribable and he spent the first few days back in London in it, leaving only to use the bathroom.

 The other boys were happy to let him do as he pleased and let him have some time to himself.

 They started to grow worried on the fourth day, however, when it looked like Niall planned on spending the day in bed once again and decided that sending Liam in to talk to the reluctant blonde would be the best course of action.

 “Come on, you need to get up and move around, start building your strength up again.” Liam told him, poking him through the covers. “You can’t stay in bed forever.”

 Niall rolled over and out of Liam’s reach without saying a word.

 “Hey, what’s up with you? You were doing so well last week, what’s changed?”

 Niall didn’t say anything and instead glared into space.

 “Have we- have I done something wrong?”

 ‘YES!’ Niall wanted to scream. ‘You’re so perfect and the fans all love you and you don’t even have to try!’

 “Come on, Nialler, talk to me.”

 But Niall didn’t want to talk. He wanted to melt into his mattress and let the world pass him by, why couldn’t Liam see that?

 He mumbled a few choice swearwords at the older boy, praying that he would get the message and just leave him alone.

 “Don’t talk to me like that, Niall, all I’m trying to do is help.” Liam sounded like he was getting frustrated.

 And Niall snapped.

 He shouted angrily at Liam when he pulled the covers away from his thin body and he sat up quickly, quicker than he probably should have as he pulled at the wound in his stomach and let out an involuntary wince.

 Liam was shouting now, too, his concern and confusion quickly turning to anger in the face of Niall’s heated words, “what the hell is wrong with you today?”

 And Niall wanted to cry because there was so much wrong with him.

 He couldn’t sing, he was ugly, he was dragging One Direction down and ruining everyone’s careers. He was also the reason that the fans couldn’t talk to the rest of the boys and the hate he had gotten on twitter for that had left his mind reeling.

 Because he wasn’t the one they wanted to see.

 He was holding the other boys back.

 He was being a baby and needed to get the hell over himself.

 And, maybe worst of all, were the ones telling him that it would have been better if he had died so that the rest of the band could move on and keep making music instead of waiting for him to finally pull himself together. Didn’t he know the boys would be so much better off without him?

 He shoved Liam as hard as he could in the chest when the older boy reached out to touch his arm and he screamed words that he didn’t mean.

 Liam looked at him in shock and tried to argue with Niall but he wouldn’t listen and that just made him angrier.

 It had all spiralled out of control so quickly and neither of them could take back the words that they had said.

 Liam shouted words born of frustration rather than truth, “Don’t you know how much time we’ve sacrificed for your self-centred ass? How many hours we wasted at the hospital when we could have been out there doing better things? Seeing our family and friends, people who actually care about us, instead of some self-absorbed asshole? I don’t know why I’m even bothering with you!”

 And Niall screamed for the bigger boy to leave and to never come back because Liam’s words hurt, they hurt so  _fucking_  much, and they made the words of the haters feel so real that he thought he could reach out and touch them.

 “Leave? You’d like that, wouldn’t you? So you can hide and wallow in your own selfishness. Do you know what, Niall? You’re tearing this band apart, can’t you see?”

 Niall didn’t think and instead launched himself at the older boy, banging his fists against his firm chest and sobbing so hard because he was so angry and upset.

 Liam wasn’t his friend, he didn’t care about him, he probably never had.

 “Get the fuck off of me!” It was Liam’s turn to shove. “You’re pathetic! I wish I hadn’t tried so hard to save you!”

 The words hurt almost as much as the fist that connected solidly with Niall’s jaw.

 The force of it was enough to knock the blonde backwards and he teetered on the edge of the bed for a second before he fell to the floor with a strangled yell.

 “What the fuck is going on in here?” Louis was stood in the doorway to Niall’s bedroom with Harry and Zayn stood at either side of him and neither boy could tell how long they had been there. “Did you just hit him, Liam?”

 Liam’s face paled and the anger drained out of him in a second as he realised what he had done.

 What he had said.

 Harry stepped forward to help Niall off of the ground but the blonde was already up and moving towards the bathroom before Harry could even get close.

 He slammed the door and locked it, pacing madly in the enclosed space and trying to think of a way to get rid of the pain that engulfed him.

 His eyes landed on the pain medication the doctors had prescribed him when he had been released from the hospital and without thinking he picked the packet up and began popping the pills.

 One after another after another.

 He didn’t hear the panicked yells through the door or the frantic banging of fists against wood, all he could think about was making the pain disappear.

 The pills were strong but he knew one or two wouldn’t be enough so he kept going.

 He was bringing the last one in the packet to his lips when the door banged open, almost flying off its hinges, and bodies rushed into the room.

 “What have you done?” Louis asked him, gripping at his hands and pulling the empty packet of pills from his grasp.

 Then Zayn grabbed him and pushed him down in front of the toilet. He pried Niall’s jaws open and forced two of his fingers down the younger boy’s throat.

 He tried to struggle, tried to resist, but then he was retching and throwing up the pills and he knew he had lost.

 When he was finished he fell back against the strong body that held his and he sobbed and he screamed until his throat was raw and he shook from exhaustion.

 He hurt so much and he wished he had died.

 With that final thought, he let sleep take him

-

 “What the hell were you thinking?” Louis hissed, his voice carrying from Niall’s living room and into the bedroom.

 Harry was sat on the bed with Niall’s head on his lap as the blonde slept.

 The youngest looked pale and scared and as if he was trying to forget that the last half an hour had ever happened.

 Liam had hit Niall, had said that he wished that Niall had died and Irish teen had locked himself in his bathroom and tried to kill himself.

 It was like a nightmare apart from the fact that he had seen it happen with his own eyes and Harry hated it, hated it so much.

 He wanted to go back in time so that today had never happened.

 In fact, he wanted to go back in time to a place where Niall had never been hurt and they were all still so happy and excited by the world around them.

 That all seemed like a distant memory and not only a couple of months ago.

 Zayn was sat on the end of the bed, a far-away look in his eyes and his hands shaking.

 Harry wanted to say something to him but his mind was blank.

 Zayn’s quick thinking was probably the only reason that Niall wasn’t lying in a hospital bed right now.

 Harry thought they should have taken him anyway but no one had listened to him.

 Louis had been so angry and Zayn so distant and Liam…Liam looked as if he was in shock.  

 How had things gotten so bad?

 Tears brimmed in Harry’s eyes and he played with Niall’s limp hair.

 Why was this happening to them? What could they have possibly have done to deserve this? Were they really such bad people to keep being punished like this?

 He knew that what happened in the room next door had the possibility to destroy the band and everything they had worked so hard for and he hoped to God that Louis and Liam could fix the huge crack that threatened to swallow them all.

 “Well?” Louis asked, sounding a lot calmer than he was.

 “I…I hit him.” Liam’s voice sounded so small and Harry couldn’t imagine the look on his face. “We were arguing and- fuck, I just lost it.”

 “He’s ill, Liam, so bloody ill, don’t you think you could have cut him a bit of slack after everything he’s been through?”

 “He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say, I was trying to be a good friend, and he kept saying all these horrible things, that he didn’t want us,  _me_ , around and that we weren’t really his friends and then he shoved me and I snapped.” Harry heard him let out a sob. “I said some horrible things, Louis, but I didn’t mean any of them, I swear. How could I? I love him. Oh, God.”

 There was a second of silence before Liam said in an awestruck voice, “ _I fucking love him_.”

 Harry’s eyes widened and he shared a shocked look with Zayn.

 Louis’ voice was softer this time, “I know you do.”

 “I’m never going to be able to fix this, what I’ve done…”

 “It’s bad but it isn’t unfixable.” Louis said, sounding more mature than Harry had ever heard him. “Not yet, at least. We can get through this together, I know we can, but we have to be able to trust each other and after what you’ve just done, Liam…I don’t know.”

 There was a tense silence and Harry knew their entire futures balanced on this moment.

 “You can’t hate me anymore than I hate myself.” Liam whispered, his voice barely carrying to Harry’s ears.

 There was a long pause and Harry found himself holding his breath.

 “That and how devastated Niall would be if One Direction split are the only reasons I’m willing to forgive you.” Louis told him. “I’m still angry at you, though.”

 “Good, I deserve it. How could I have been so stupid? And Niall- he’s going to hate me when he wakes up.” Liam sounded heartbroken now. “Maybe I should leave for a few days? Give him some space.”

 “And what would that accomplish? He’d still be here when you got back, still hurting and angry.”

 “I know…what the hell am I going to do? This just hurts so badly, I want to help him get better but I can’t help but get so angry and it’s not fair. And I know it’s not him I’m angry at but  _her_ , at this whole situation, but I can’t help myself.” He let out a short sigh and there was a long silence before Liam spoke once again, “every time I close my eyes all I can see is him on the floor and he’s bleeding to death and there’s nothing I can do to help him. He was so close, you know, if the ambulance had been a little bit later or if the traffic had been worse on the way back to the hospital then he wouldn’t be here now. I have nightmares about it.”

 Harry looked down at Niall’s too pale face.

 He’d had nightmares, too. Horrible ones where everyone is moving too slowly and Niall is bleeding too quickly and there’s nothing that anyone can do to save him. It’d been a couple of weeks since his last one.

 “I think we all have at one point.” Louis told him. “I had the same one every night for two weeks after  _it_  happened. I still have it some nights, when we’ve had a bad day.”

 “What happens in yours?” Liam asked, his voice once again so soft that Harry nearly missed what he said.

 “I’m holding his hand but it’s so wet and slippery with blood that I can’t keep a hold of it. I let go and he starts to fall and I know it’s all my fault. If I had just held on that little longer…” It was Louis’ turn to sigh. “But I know it’s just a dream. I was there when he needed me most and I didn’t let go, not until I had to.”

 “I never feel like I’m doing enough to help.” Liam said. “But I don’t know what I should be doing. He never asks for anything anymore or ever says if I do something wrong, it’s like he wants to avoid making me angry.”

 “I’ve noticed it, too.” Louis said. “He’s the same with all of us. I think he thinks that we’re going to kick him out of the band if he does something to upset us-.”

 “We’d never do that!”

 “We know that and I’m pretty sure that he does, too, but he’s so…fragile at the moment that when somebody says something negative to him he takes it to heart and believes them.”

 Harry frowned as he ghosted his fingers over Niall’s closed eyes.

 “He’s been worse these past few days, since we got back to London.”

 Harry saw Zayn shake his head out of the corner of his eye and he turned to look at him.

 “No, not since we got back to London. I noticed it before that, that last day in the hotel- after we did all the phone interviews.” Zayn spoke loud enough for his voice to carry to the other two boys who both appeared in the doorway in seconds.

 “What do you mean?” Liam asked.

 “I finished packing before you guys did so I went back to Niall’s room.” Zayn explained. “Only…he was crying. He tried to hide it from me but it was obvious, you know? I didn’t ask him about it and he pretended it never happened.”

 “Do you remember what he was doing?” Louis asked, frowning.

 “I’m not sure but his phone was on his bed.”

 “Twitter.” Liam and Louis said in unison.

 “You don’t think the fans..?” Liam asked.

 “There’s only one way to find out.” Louis said, pulling his phone out.

 “Wait, what are you doing?” Harry asked.

 “I’m going to check his mentions on twitter.” Louis shrugged.

 “How? You don’t know his password.” Zayn said.

 “Of course I do, I know everyone’s passwords.” Louis replied.

 “Wait…what?” Harry looked puzzled. “How?”

 “Now that would be telling.” Louis stuck his tongue out at the younger boy quickly. “Right, I’m in.”

 The three other boys watched his face carefully and they all seemed to wilt as one when Louis frowned.

 “What is it?” Zayn asked, his voice hesitant as if he really didn’t want to ask the question.

 “It’s bad.” Louis said, a sad look on his face.

 “Why didn’t he talk to one of us about it?” Liam rubbed at his face, tiredly. “We could’ve helped.”

 “What are we going to do?” Harry tried not to look at the smaller boy’s sleeping face. “Is there anything we  _can_  do?”

 “You know,” Louis said, slowly, a wicked grin lighting up his face. “I might just have a plan.”

 Harry let himself hope. 


	6. Chapter Six

There was someone in bed with him.

 They weren’t touching but Niall could feel the dip in the bed and hear the other person’s quiet breathing.

 He opened his eyes slowly before letting them fall shut again, the bright light of the lamp on the bedside table hurting his eyes.

 The movement didn’t go unnoticed by the other person, “you’re awake then?”

 Niall mumbled something noncommittal under his breath.

 “Come on then, get up. We’re going out.”

 He shook his head and rolled over in the bed, away from Zayn, but the older boy wasn’t having any of it, “I’m being serious, Nialler, get up. You’ve been inside for too long, it’s about time you got out and got some fresh air.”

 ‘It’s late,’ Niall wanted to say. ‘It’s dark outside. What about the fans? What about the other boys? Why are you  _here_?’

 Instead he declared the need for a shower in a hoarse whisper and he winced at the pain it caused.

 “You don’t need a shower, just get changed and maybe brush your hair.” Zayn paused and gave him a look that Niall couldn’t quite read. “You might want to brush your teeth as well, after earlier…”

 Niall’s eyes widened and he flushed red with shame before disappearing into the bathroom to do as he was told.

 He froze when he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

 And, it wasn’t that his hair was too long and lank and fell into his face, hiding his eyes, that his natural colour had also started to come through, the dark of his hair clashing with the sickly grey pallor of his skin. Or that his cheeks looked sunken and his face was all angles rather than the smooth roundness it had been before  _it_  had happened. Or even that his eyes looked dull, almost lifeless, as they stared back at him.

 No, it was the bruise that discoloured the right side of his face, spreading from the corner of his mouth and out into his cheek and chin.

 With shaking hands he washed away the dried blood that clung to the corner of his mouth before washing his whole face with hot water.

 He then brushed his teeth and tried not to look at his reflection because seeing that bruise, that horrible reminder, was almost more than he could take.

 What had happened before, the fight with Liam and his attempt to get rid of the pain, just seemed like a bad dream, like it hadn’t happened. But, on seeing that mark, there was no way he could doubt it.

 Liam had hit him.

 Liam had hurt him.

 But, Liam was meant to be his best friend, he was meant to look after him and keep him safe…

 Had Niall really pushed him that far?

 And what Liam had said-!

 So, it was all true. He  _was_  holding the other boys back, dragging them down with him and Liam had said, had said that he wished he hadn’t saved Niall and, Jesus Christ, that hurt so  _fucking_  much.

 He fought back a sob, very aware of Zayn sat in the next room, not even hidden behind a closed door as the door to his bathroom was beyond broken, and turned the tap on full blast and put his hands underneath the hot spray, enjoying the burn.

 He deserved the hurt, he knew that much.

 He was so pathetic!

 No wonder the other boys had dumped baby-sitting duties on Zayn, who was being nicer than he should be, and left, they probably couldn’t bare the sight of him.

 And Liam, Liam!

 The older boy must hate him!

 “Hey.” Zayn’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, suddenly very close.

 He turned the tap off and gave Niall a long look before sighing, “go get dressed, Niall.”

 Niall nodded and went back into his bedroom, Zayn following after him, watching him carefully.

 The younger boy put a hoodie on over the t-shirt he had slept in and swapped his pyjama pants for jeans that didn’t fit him anymore, being far too lose, and Zayn helped him thread a belt through the loops on his jeans when his hands shook too much.

 “You need to start putting weight back on,” Zayn said as he buckled the belt on the last notch. “You’re more skeleton than leprechaun at the moment, it’s not a good look for you.”

 Niall picked up his wallet and his keys after slipping some trainers on and followed Zayn out of his flat.

 The cool night air hit him the second they stepped foot outside the complex and Niall paused for a moment and just breathed it in.

 He had forgotten how good the outside world could be.

 “Feels good, doesn’t it?” Zayn asked when Niall caught up to him a few paces down the street. “Kind of reminds you how good it is to be alive, don’t you think?”

 Niall nodded but he didn’t speak.

 His head swum and he felt dizzy.

 When was the last time he had had something to eat? Something to drink?

 He didn’t say anything, though, he didn’t want Zayn to think he was being a baby.

 They didn’t go much further than the end of their street where there was a chippy on the corner.

 Zayn pushed the door open and Niall followed him in, the not so subtle security following the boys in seconds afterwards, “you go find a table, I’ll get us something to eat.”

 Niall opened his mouth to protest but Zayn cut him off, “it’s on me, babes. You can’t say I don’t treat you right.”

 Niall went to the back of the shop and slid into one of the tacky, plastic booths and waited for Zayn.

 The boy appeared after a couple of minutes with a couple cans of coke and a large plate of chips which he set between the two of them before taking the seat opposite.

 Zayn opened his can with a  _hiss_  and took a long drink before he started to pick at the chips.

 “A couple of months ago, you’d have finished these chips off before I’d have had chance to blink.” Zayn said. “It’d feel weird to have to tell you to eat so don’t make me.”

 Niall nodded and grabbed a chip and put it in his mouth, chewing slowly.

 An awkward silence fell over them then as they continued to eat in silence.

 The weight of Niall’s previous actions grew heavy on his shoulders and he felt himself slump in his seat.

 “Do you want to talk?” Zayn asked.

 And, almost without thinking, Niall spoke.

 He told Zayn that he hadn’t been trying to kill himself that afternoon, that all he had wanted to do was to get the pain to stop, to get Liam’s words out of his brain.

 He told the older boy how guilty he felt for holding the boys back from recording and from meeting their fans and that he was so  _sorry_  because he was really struggling to pull himself together after what had happened, even though he knew he should just man up and get on with life.

 He told Zayn everything he had said to Liam and how much he didn’t mean it because Liam had only been trying to help and Niall had just screwed it all up because he had been so angry.

 He told him that he had hit Liam first and that the bigger boy had been right to hit him back, to say the things that he had, because Niall had deserved it.

 And Zayn just sat and listened until Niall ran out of things to say.

 “You do know that’s the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard, right?” Zayn finally said.

 Niall looked at him with wide eyes.

 “No one expects you to be magically okay and ready to move on with your life just because you’re out of hospital. What happened to you, Niall, was such a huge thing, you need time to get yourself together before you can even think about healing. And the rest of us? We’re happy to wait until you’re ready. We love you, you’re our brother, and when I think about how close we were to losing you…” Zayn shook his head. “As for Liam. Well, he was in the wrong just as much as you were, probably even more. He knows how unwell you are, how angry you’re bound to be feeling, and he should have just backed off and given you some space instead of reacting the way he did. And, please believe me when I say this, Nialler, no matter what you think, you never deserve to be hit.”

 Niall opened his mouth to protest.

 “I know you said you hit him first but, no offense, mate, you’re probably as weak as a kitten at the moment. I doubt you even left a mark. Liam on the other hand…” Zayn’s eyes rested on the bruise on Niall’s face and the younger boy flushed bright red. “He really hurt you. To say we’re all angry at him might be an understatement.”

 Niall looked horrified, how on earth could they be angry at Liam? It was his fault!

 “But, we’re nowhere near as angry at him as he is with himself.” Zayn pushed the plate with the last handful of chips in Niall’s direction. “He talked about going home for a while, you know.”

 Niall shook his head and told Zayn that he didn’t want Liam to leave, not without letting Niall apologise first. And, maybe, if anyone should be leaving then it should be Niall himself, he was the one causing all the trouble.

 “Are you thinking of quitting?” Zayn asked.

 Tears welled up in the blonde’s eyes and he looked down at the table.

 He had thought about it a lot the last few days. Wouldn’t it be better if he disappeared back to Ireland and let them get on with their lives?

 “Maybe you should.” Zayn said, almost nonchalantly.

 Niall stared at the older boy, hurt evident in his expressive eyes.

 “Maybe you should give up, you know, go back home and sort yourself out, move on with your life? Would that make you happier? Because, whatever we’re doing now sure isn’t.”

 The way that Zayn voiced the thoughts that had been swirling through his mind made him feel sick.

 Could he really give it all up? One Direction was everything he had ever dreamed of. He loved performing, meeting all the fans and travelling the world with his best friends. The thrill and the excitement he got, it was indescribable. Could he really go back to his normal life in Mullingar after experiencing everything he had?

 And what about his band mates? Could he really just walk out of their lives? Pretend that everything they had done together, the bonds that they had formed, had never existed?

 Liam’s face flashed in his mind and he wondered if he could really leave Liam behind. Liam, who was his best friend, who meant so much to him…

 No.

 The more he thought about it, the more ridiculous the idea became to him.

 He loved what he did with a passion that burned so fierce in his veins that he knew that giving it up would be like extinguishing the bright spark of his soul.

 He wouldn’t give up. He didn’t think he could.

 He said as much to Zayn and the smile that lit up the older boy’s face was brilliant.

 “I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day, maybe even all week!”

 Niall grinned and finished the last of the chips, suddenly feeling more alive than he had in weeks.

 Zayn clapped his hands, suddenly businesslike, “right, first thing we’re doing tomorrow is getting your hair cut. It really doesn’t suit you at the moment, babe. Then after that we’re hitting the gym, we’ve got to work on getting your strength back if you want to be able to sing like you used to.”

 Niall laughed and ran a hand through his hair, not quite believing that of all the things Zayn could have chosen for him to do to get his life on track that getting his hair cut would be his first priority.

 At Niall’s laughter Zayn’s smile brightened further, if that was even possible, “I feel like we should celebrate.”

 Niall told him to go buy him a pizza.


	7. Chapter Seven

 The next day Zayn and Louis took him to their favourite hairdressers and Niall had his hair into its usual style but decided against re-dying it blonde. It just didn’t feel right for some reason.

 He also didn’t want to spend any time longer than necessary in the hairdressers, hating the way everyone in there seemed to stare at him in pity and eye the bruise on his face with barely concealed intrigue.

 There were paparazzi waiting for them when they left and the three boys stopped to let them take photos.

 “What happened to your face?” One of them asked.

 “He had a dizzy spell yesterday and tripped.” Louis lied easily, squeezing the younger boy to him. “Hit his face on the coffee table. Scared the living daylights out of us.”

 They went for an early lunch after that before returning to their apartment complex.

 Niall had a short nap before the four other boys dropped by to pick him up for their gym session.

 Liam had refused to look at Niall and the younger boy had hated it, he didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between them, especially not when it was Niall’s fault to begin with.

 So, before they left Niall went straight up to the older boy and pulled him into a hug and apologised for what he had said and done the day before.

 Liam hadn’t returned the hug at first and Niall had panicked for a brief moment, thinking he had done the wrong thing, before Liam wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and hugged him close, “You don’t need to apologise, Nialler, I was in the wrong. I didn’t mean to say what I did and I certainly didn’t mean to hit you. Can you…Is it too much to ask for you to forgive me? I know I don’t deserve it but-.”

 Niall had cut him off with a few quick words that made it clear that he wasn’t angry at Liam, never had been, and all he wanted was for it to go back to how it had been between them.

 Liam had agreed and given Niall another squeeze before someone had coughed and they had broken away, almost guiltily, blushes working their way onto their cheeks.

 After that they didn’t mention the incident again and, as far as anyone in the band was concerned, it was history. That didn’t mean Niall didn’t catch Liam staring at the bruise guiltily every now and then but it did give him and excuse not to bring it up.

 The gym they intended to use was in the basement of their complex. It wasn’t very big but it was well equipped and had everything they needed. It was only open to residents, too, which meant it was basically always deserted which suited the boys just fine.

 There was a small swimming pool on the same level which the five had frequented a lot when they had first moved in but hadn’t used for a good few months now.

 Between the gym and the swimming pool were the changing rooms but they never used them, preferring to go back to their flats to change and shower.

 “Okay, Nialler, small steps first.” Zayn told him. “Ten minutes at a slow pace on the treadmill and we’ll go from there, okay?”

 It was a lot harder than he expected it to be and by the time the ten minutes were finished he was puffing and panting and in desperate need of a sit-down.

 When had he gotten so weak?

 “You did really well.” The other boys were quick to reassure him, taking it in turns to ruffle his hair and to nudge him with their elbows.

 “Take a breather and if you’re up for it then you can try again.” Harry said, taking Niall’s place on the treadmill.

 Watching all the other boys work out just made Niall more determined to keep going, to get stronger.

 He had another go on the treadmill when Harry was finished but left it at that when the ten minutes were up, feeling slightly dizzy and not really up for anything else that day.

 Small steps, Zayn had said, and for the moment that was enough.

 The second and third of their gym afternoons passed much like the first but on the fourth day Niall added an extra five minutes to his ten minutes sessions on the treadmill, pushing himself that little bit more.

 It was hard work, really hard, but at the end of the day Niall felt like he had achieved something and that felt good and the boys were all so pleased with him that he felt like he glowed whenever one of them complimented how well he was doing.

 It didn’t really matter that his body ached and that he felt tired all the time. It didn’t really matter that sometimes he pulled at the fresh scar on his stomach or that he sometimes felt so dizzy after a go on the treadmill that one of the boys had to lead him over to a chair before he collapsed.

 He was getting stronger every day and he loved it.

 This new exhaustion left so tired at night that he didn’t even dream and his body craved food and soon he was eating nearly as much as he had before  _it_  had happened.

 He felt so great!

 By the end of the first week his hair had its bounce back and his eyes seemed to sparkle with life. His body hadn’t started to fill out again but his skin no longer held its sickly grey pallor and when he looked in the mirror he no longer felt like he was looking at a corpse.

 He felt happy and closer to the boys than he had ever felt before and he couldn’t believe he had ever thought about quitting.

 The boys kept him busy in the mornings and in the evenings, always taking him somewhere or getting him to do something with them. It was great to get to do so much with them and their time together never felt forced or awkward, just simple and pleasant and as if they couldn’t quite believe that they were all still here, whole and happy.

 The vast majority of fans kept away, just like they were asked to, and the number of hate messages he received on twitter had dropped so low that he was always taken by surprise if he saw one.

 After his and Liam’s fight there had been a glitch on his twitter for a few days where it wouldn’t let him log on, saying he had the wrong password even though he knew he didn’t, but it had recovered itself and he continued to update the fans on his progress.

 The other boys didn’t think he had worked out that there hadn’t really been a glitch and that it had just been a massive ploy in order to stop the haters but Niall had quickly figured it out after a little cyber stalking.

 The four others had started to follow the fans who had given him grief and had then named and shamed them for all the other fans to see, telling them exactly what they had been tweeting Niall and saying that these girls weren’t true directioners. The anger directed at these ‘fans’ by others in the 1D family was quite overwhelming and soon nearly every one of the accounts was deleted.

 It was cruel, Niall knew that, but he couldn’t help but feel oddly touched by the whole thing.

 Management contacted them at the end of that week, asking them if they would agree to release another single from ‘Up All Night’ in the UK. They were going to take the video from the DVD they had filmed at the end of last year so they wouldn’t have to do any filming, just a photo shoot for the cover in a few days and then radio and TV promo starting in a week’s time.

 The choice was completely up to them, if they wanted to do it or not and which song they wanted to choose, though Management did have their own opinions about which one song they should go with.

 The boys had talked it over and had called them back the next day, agreeing to release a fourth single. Management suggested that they chose ‘Everything About You’ but the boys were firm in their decision to choose ‘More Than This’.

 So, at the beginning of the second week of gym sessions, rehearsals for the upcoming acoustic performances of ‘More Than This’ were added to their afternoon rituals.

 The rest of the boys needed almost as much practice as Niall as it had been a while since they had performed together but they soon fell back into the rhythm of it and after a few days they sounded as good as they ever did.

 The other boys insisted that Niall should play the guitar during their performances as well as sing, knowing he was more than capable of it, just to remind everyone how talented he was, how much the band needed him.

 Niall himself wasn’t so sure about the idea, having not played the guitar properly over the last month and a half, but with practice, just like the singing, it came back to him easily.

 All the boys were nervous about their comeback, more for Niall’s sake than for their own, just in case  _she_  decided to make an appearance, but they were excited as well.

 It seemed like forever since they had last spoken face to face with any of their fans or performed or even given an interview and they were eager to get back out on the road.

 Even Niall, who still wasn’t 100%, wanted to get out there and continue the high he had been feeling the last week and a half.

 But, of course, when they were at their happiest and things finally seemed to be going their way, it all started to fall apart.


	8. Chapter Eight

 They did the photo shoot for the single cover three days before their first interview.

 Their stylist had tutted and sighed at Niall when he had first arrived, shaking her head at him as she struggled to find him something to wear that didn’t hang from his too skinny frame while their make-up artist had moaned about how pale he was and how hard it was going to be to cover up the slowly fading bruise on his face and their hair stylist had just bemoaned his return to his natural hair colour.

 He had suffered through it all with good humour, knowing that this was their way of saying that they had worried about him, that they still did, and that he better look after himself.

 He just told them that he had missed them, too.

 Liam had wolf-whistled when he had finally emerged from the dressing room, the other boys having escaped long before he could, dressed in black skinny jeans and a pale blue striped polo and looking better than he had in close to two months, and Niall had blushed for no reason whatsoever.

 The other boys pretended not to notice.

 Well, all except Louis who smiled at him in a way that suggested he knew something that Niall didn’t.

 They worked with one of their favourite photographers who encouraged them to laugh and smile and joke around as much as they wanted, working off any excess energy, before they came together to do serious group shots.

 The one they finally decided on for the front of the single was of the five of them stood together in a row with Niall squashed in the middle between Liam and Louis who had their arms wrapped around his waist and his shoulders. Louis and Zayn were mid-laugh at something someone had said and Harry grinned broadly at the camera, his famous curls looking as good as they ever had, while Niall looked at the floor, a blush colouring his cheeks and a half-smile curling at his lips. Liam was looking at the smaller boy, a fond (loving?) smile on his face, and it was probably for that reason that Niall had given his vote for that photo.

 On the way back to their car Louis hinted to him that he had chosen the photo for the same reason. Niall pretended not to know what he was talking about.

 Though they had tried to keep the location of the photo shoot as quiet as possible, it was inevitable that their fans found them, especially now that the request for space had been lifted.

 They screamed in delight at the sight of the boys and asked for photos and autographs but they were careful not to crowd Niall and for that he was sure they had the best fans in the world. Even better, they didn’t ask for hugs or touch him without him initiating contact first.

 Nearly every one of them that he spoke to asked him how was feeling, if he was ready for all the interviews and if he had gotten the present they had sent him while he was in hospital.

 He laughed at their jokes and smiled for their cameras and answered their questions as honestly as he could without hurting any feelings and it felt like he had never been away.

 There were plenty of familiar faces, some of who he had running jokes with, and some new ones, too.

 It was all rather exhilarating and he loved every moment of it (and that definitely had nothing to do with Liam standing at his side like an oversized guard dog) and he was so relieved because not once had he felt the stirrings of panic or fear.

 Not until the last girl at least.

 She moved towards him the moment Liam left his side to join the rest of the band in getting into their waiting car, just at Niall himself had been about to follow.

 She looked vaguely familiar but he couldn’t work out where he had seen her before, which was odd because he was usually so good with remembering their fans, and try as he might he just couldn’t figure her out.

 She reached out to hug him but he stepped backwards out of reach.

 A look of anger crossed her face and she stepped towards him again but, as before, he moved away from her.

 They locked eyes and she gave him a cruel smile and that was when he knew who she was.

 It was  _her_ , the one who had hurt him!

 He wanted to scream and run away but his body seemed frozen and he just couldn’t move.

 She stepped towards him and this time he stayed still, stuck to the spot, and he was sure that she was going to kill him.

 His mind screamed for help, for anyone to look over and notice that something wasn’t right.

 “You were supposed to die.” She said to him, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “Then the others could have recorded the new album without you ruining it.”

 She grabbed his arm and her nails dug into his bare skin.

 “I’m going to give you a choice.” She leaned close to him now, her mouth centimetres from his ear. “Quit the band or I will kill you.”

 She let go of him and stepped out of his personal space just as he heard Liam shout his name.

 “And I promise you I’ll do the job properly this time.” And with that she turned on her heel and walked away, disappearing into the crowd of girls still milling around.

 A hand landed on his shoulder and he jumped and flinched violently away from the contact.

 “Hey, what’s wrong? You’re shaking!” It was Louis rather than Liam who reached him first.

 Niall shook his head, the world spun and he was sick all over his and Louis’ shoes seconds before the world went black.

-

“Niall, come on, mate.”

 There was someone tapping him on the cheek and he blinked, tiredly, before letting his eyes fall shut again.

 “That’s it, Nialler, wake up.”

 This time he managed to keep his eyes open and he looked at the faces above his as if in a daze, struggling to orientate himself.

 He had been stood outside with the fans, he remembered that much, and it had been going well but now he was laid down on something soft, inside a building he didn’t quite recognise from this angle and was looking up at the worried faces of Liam and Harry.

 He blinked up at them and offered them a confused smile.

 Then he remembered.

 He shot up straight in his seat in panic, barely noticing that his forehead and Harry’s connected with a  _crack_  and a yelp of pain, and he started to mumble half-formed words through desperate gasps for air.

 “Shit, Harry- Niall, you need to calm down. Who was here? You’re not making any sense!”

  _Quit the band or I will kill you_.

 He shook his head violently, his hands twisted desperately in his hair, trying to dislodge the words from his mind but they wouldn’t leave.

  _Quit the band or I will kill you_.

 Hands tried to cover his own and stop his head moving, “you’re going to hurt yourself-.”

 But he cut the voice off with a scream and wrenched himself out of the person’s grip and curled into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible, hoping they would leave him alone.

 That they wouldn’t hurt him.

 “Give him some space.”

 “He’s going to make himself pass out!”

 “And you crowding him is going to make him better because-?”

 “Harry, you’re bleeding! Are you okay?”

 “I’ll be fine, sort Niall out.”

 “Shit, Niall, come on, mate. Calm down.”

  _Quit the band or I will kill you._

 His head throbbed.

 His lungs burned.

 His muscles screamed.

 He fainted.

-

 “-take him to the hospital.”

 “We probably have to go anyway, I think I might need stitches. And a brain scan. The little bastard has got a hard head.”

 “I’m being serious, Harry.”

 “So am I- I think I might have a concussion.”

 “I vote we go to the hospital.”

 “It can’t hurt to get him checked out.”

 “What if they want to admit him?”

 “Then we let them, they’re doctors, they know what they’re doing.”

 “What if- what if…”

 “Can we just go now before I bleed out?”

 “You’re not bleeding that badly.”

 “Let’s just go!”

 “Hey, his eyes are open-! Niall, can you hear me?”

 A nod, he was too tired to do much else.

 “How are you feeling, babe? Sick? Dizzy?”

 He shook his head.

 He didn’t feel anything apart a deep exhaustion that seemed to cling to him like a second skin, dragging him down. Drowning him.

 “Come on, let’s get you up.”

 Someone pulled him to his feet but his legs were too weak to support him and he felt himself sink to the ground before anyone could catch him.

 “What’s wrong with him?”

 “I don’t know, shock maybe?”

 Strong arms lifted him and he found himself cradled against a warm body.

 “He’s like a rag doll.”

 “Let’s go, this isn’t right.”

 “I could have told you that, we could be at the hospital right now if you’d just pulled your heads out of your arses and listened to me.”

 They were moving now, he could tell by the swaying of his body.

 “Bloody hell, Harry…”

 “I’m not apologising, my head hurts too much.”

 “He projectile vomited all over my shoes!”

 “You do smell pretty rank.”

 The next voice was close, “not as bad as he does.”

 He could feel himself sinking.

 “…messed up.”

 “Do you, do you think the girl…”

 “Maybe…”

 “…police…”

The darkness welcomed him.

-

 He woke up in a hospital bed.

 There was an IV in the back of his left hand but he was still dressed in the same clothes as before.

 He could hear the hustle and bustle of the ward beyond the flimsy curtain that kept him shielded from the rest of the hospital and the smell the disinfectant and vomit was so strong that it nearly overwhelmed him.

 He was alone inside his curtained world.

 He couldn’t work out how he had gotten there. He searched his mind for what had happened and his thoughts hovered over feelings of pain and panic but anything more solid than that remained just beyond his reach.

 Maybe he was dreaming?

 That’d explain why the others weren’t with him. They wouldn’t leave him alone like this in real life.

 But, if he was dreaming, why did everything feel so real?

 Why did his head pound, his stomach turn and his limbs ache?

 He sighed and gazed listlessly up at the ceiling.

 None of the voices beyond the curtain were familiar.   

 He let himself drift.

-

 “Niall?”

 The voice was quiet but it was enough to jerk him out of the doze he had fallen into.

 He blinked up at the four faces that stared down at his and he gave them the biggest smile he could muster.

 “How are you feeling, man?” Zayn asked.

 He answered them honestly with a quiet admittance of being confused.

 Then his eyes fell on the deep purple bruise and fresh stitches on the top left of Harry’s forehead and he could barely suppress the worry that bubbled in his stomach as he asked what had happened.

 “You don’t remember?” Liam asked, brown eyes widening.

 “You head-butted me.” Harry told him. “I had to have three stitches!”

 Guilt replaced the worry and he looked down at his hands, not able to bear looking at the younger boy anymore.

 “It was an accident.” Liam was quick to say.

 “Of course it was.” Harry said, firmly, “you didn’t mean to.”

 “You had a panic attack.” Zayn told him. “You didn’t know what was happening.”

 “Harry’s head just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Louis said. “He’s fine, even if he moans about it for the next few days.”

 “It hurts!” Harry protested.

 Louis smirked at him and fluttered his eyelashes, “do you want me to kiss it better?”

 Harry blushed and didn’t say anything.

 Finally, Niall looked up from his hands and apologised to Harry who shrugged it off, his cheeks still stained red from Louis’ words.

 “If you think my bruise is bad then you should see the one on your forehead, mate.” Harry told him, changing the subject from his own injury. “Make-up are going to be bitching at you about that for a while.”

 “The police are here.” Liam said, a grim look on his face. “They already spoke with us and now they’re just finishing off with security. They want to talk to you.”

 Niall couldn’t keep the panic from his face as  _her_  words came to the forefront of his mind once again.

 Louis grabbed Niall’s hand, the one without the IV, and gave it a hard squeeze, “hey, you’re alright. She can’t hurt you.”

 “We worked out who she was.” Zayn said.

 “A little bit too late.” Liam’s voice sounded bitter.

 The curtain was pulled aside then and police officers, only one of them in uniform, joined the other boys in the cramped space around Niall’s bed.

 Louis nudged Niall and on instinct the younger boy shuffled across on his bed so that Louis could sit next to him.

 “Mr Horan?” The plain clothed officer said, flashing them his badge. “We have a few questions for you about what happened this afternoon.”

 His eyes flicked from one boy to another, seeing in their faces and stances nothing short of pure animal instinct, the need to protect the smaller boy, to keep him safe, and he smiled, “I take it that we won’t be allowed to speak to you alone, then?”

 Four pairs of eyes narrowed in his direction, almost simultaneously, and he had to bite down a laugh. It seemed like the boy’s band mates had been replaced by four very angry mother bears, ready to lash out at anyone who threatened to hurt their cub, and he couldn’t help but smile even wider.

 The boy had a good group of friends, he needed that after everything he had been through.

 Might still have to go through.

 His face sobered at that thought.

 “Would you be able to tell us what happened on leaving your photo shoot this afternoon?” He asked.

 He saw the boy, Niall, look at the tallest of the others before his eyes flicked back to the one who sat next to him as his hand was given an encouraging squeeze.

 “It’s alright, Nialler, tell them what you remember.” Louis, he remembered the boy’s name from the interview he had given before, said.

 The boy’s voice was quiet and he barely looked at him as he spoke but he understood how hard it must be on him.

 He listened carefully and patiently as the boy spoke about meeting all the fans and how everything had been going so well and he had been so happy until the last girl had approached.

 The boy paused here so he gave him a few seconds to compose himself before asking, “did you know who she was?”

 The boy shook his head and then winced (and really, he wasn’t surprised, the bruise on the boy’s forehead looked like it hurt like hell) and explained that, even though her face had looked familiar, he hadn’t been able to work out who she was, not until she tried to hug him.

 “And did she say anything to you?”

 What little colour the boy had drained away so quickly that he was worried that the boy might pass out.

 The boy mumbled something under his breath that he didn’t quite catch, “I’m sorry, what was that?”

 The boy that was closest, the one on the bed, was looking pale now, too, as he pulled the smaller boy against him in a fierce hug.

 “Louis?” The curly haired one asked, looking puzzled.

 “She told him that he has to quit the band or she’ll kill him.”

 The police officer sighed, he had expected as much, “did she say anything else?”

 Louis looked furious, “she told him she’d do the job properly this time.”

 “This is fucking ridiculous!” The tallest of the group exploded, making the boy in Louis’ arms flinch. “Who the hell does she think she is? She can’t- she won’t-!”

 “Calm down, Liam.” Louis hissed and the police officer couldn’t help but agree, he thought Liam looked like he was ready to hit something.

 “Your friend is right.” The police officer said, trying his best to sound placating but instead only brought the tall boy’s ire on himself.

 “This is all your fault!” He shouted. “If you guys had just done your job properly the first time then none of this would have happened! She’d be locked away and Niall wouldn’t be in the fucking hospital  _again_  and we all could have finally moved on from this!”

 “Liam.” The darkest of the group put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Getting angry isn’t going to help anyone. Especially not Niall.”

 “You’re scaring him.” The curly haired one added.

 Liam seemed to wilt as his eyes fell on his friend, shaking and gripping tightly to the other boy in the bed, and tears welled in his eyes, “I’m so sorry, I just- why is this happening? What has Niall ever done to deserve  _this_?”

 “We’re doing everything that we can at the moment to catch this girl but we need your help.” The police officer said, knowing that now was the time to push the boys for their compliance.

 “Of course.” They all seemed to breathe.

 “My colleague here is a sketch artist, he’s going to work with you, Mr Horan, to get an image of the girl together that we will then release to the public.”

 “What- telling everyone that she’s the girl you’re after? Won’t that just drive her further underground?” Liam asked, his face crumpled in confusion.

 “We don’t want to start a witch hunt.” The police officer agreed. “No, we’ll just say that she’s a key witness in what happened both today and on May 15th and we desperately need to speak to her. Maybe someone has seen her hanging around at meet and greets before? Maybe they spoke to her or know her name? Information like that.”

 “We have interviews next week.” The curly haired one said. “Maybe we can get them to show her picture for us? When the fans realise how important it is that you speak to her then they’re bound to go crazy over it.”

 The police officer smiled and decided that he definitely liked these boys, “I think that’d be a very good idea.”

 “How much do we tell them about what’s going on?” Zayn asked. “Do we tell people about the threat?”

 “I think keeping that information quiet would be the best idea at the moment.” The police officer said. “I’m going to speak to your management about getting you extra security and then arrange for a police escort to follow you around until this is over.”

 He looked each of them in the eye, even the small one in the bed who was now looking at him through wet lashes, and promised, “we will catch her.”


	9. Chapter Nine

After his IV was finished and the doctor had once again checked him over, Niall had been released from the hospital under strict instructions to drink lots of water and start eating smaller meals more regularly in order to combat his low blood pressure.

 The rest of the weekend was spent in their apartment complex either in the gym or practicing or doing nothing more than sprawling in front of the TV and watching crap.

 The only person who left after they had gotten back on Friday evening had been Liam on Saturday afternoon so that he could go see Danielle. Without understanding why, Niall had been hurt by that action and had buried his head in Zayn’s shoulder rather than watch Liam leave. By doing that he missed the meaningful look that Louis had shot in the tall boy’s direction and Liam’s determined nod in return.

 The nightmares were back with a vengeance and Niall found himself waking up screaming and crying within minutes of falling asleep. That’s if he even fell asleep at all.

 The boys crawled into bed with him in pairs on Saturday and Sunday night after Niall had emerged from his bedroom on Saturday morning with red-rimmed eyes and a haunted look on his face. But not even their presence could keep the nightmares away for long and he knew he was responsible for the bags beneath his band mate’s eyes.

 They never complained, though, not even Zayn who loved sleep almost as much as he loved the band, and seemed happy enough to just hold him and stroke his hair and whisper meaningless platitudes into his ear until he had calmed down.

 When Niall had expressed his guilt to the rest of the boys on Sunday afternoon as Harry and Louis had yawned through practice the oldest of the group had just pulled him into a hug and told him not to worry about it and reminded him, “it’s not forever. Things are going to get better, Nialler.”

 And, despite what the doctor had told him, Niall found it difficult to keep any food down for long, either feeling nauseous just at its smell or not being able to cope with the way it rested on his uneasy stomach. The only thing he could really manage was unbuttered toast so the other boys always kept him well supplied with that and plenty of water.

 He had dizzy spells quite often, usually due to a lack of sleep as well as lack of food, as his body protested all the extra stress it was being put under. It was always worse after they had been in the gym and the other boys, especially Liam, watched him with hawk eyes, always ready to right him before he could fall.

 They didn’t really speak about what had happened on Friday or what could happen once the interviews started on Monday as they were boys and struggled to speak openly about their emotions in front of the group so they instead showed their love and support for one another through action and touch.

 An extra hand there, an arm around the shoulder here, fingers tangling together instead of merely brushing one another’s skin.

 They pulled together like a band of brothers and supported each other through every doubt and fear, every second when they felt like it was all getting too much to bear and the weight of the world seemed to be pushing down on them, crushing them…

 Monday morning came too quick.

 Niall had only had about half an hour of sleep right at the beginning of the night before being awoken by a nightmare so cruel and frightening that it had him running to the bathroom to throw up what felt like everything he had ever eaten. Liam had rubbed his back the whole time while Zayn had wiped at his mouth and supported him while he brushed his teeth once he was finished before the three of them had returned to bed, curling up together with Niall in the middle, holding him until his sobs died down, and the older two boys had fallen asleep.

 Niall had been too scared to even close his eyes.

 It was still dark when they all climbed into the car and the four other boys had moaned and complained about having to get up so early but Niall had kept quiet, his mind thick with exhaustion and worry, and didn’t join in the, obviously, nervous chatter.

 Halfway to their destination, Liam had taken Niall’s smaller hand in his own and twisted their fingers together, “are you ready?”

 Niall stared at him blankly without saying anything. He had thought he had been ready last week but then Friday had happened and he wasn’t so sure anymore.

 “You’ll be fine, you know that, right?” Liam said. “We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

 Niall nodded and leaned into the bigger boy, enjoying the soothing heat of his body.

 “They’re going to ask you questions about what happened.” Liam reminded him.

 This  _was_  a talk they had had before.

 “Just tell them what you’re comfortable with and if they start pushing you for answers or you really want them to change the subject then just give one of us a signal and we’ll run interference.” It was Louis who spoke this time, having caught onto the conversation as the car had grown quiet.

 Niall looked between the other boys and let out a sad sigh before voicing his fears that he was going to mess the performance up.

 “I doubt it.” Zayn said, an easy confidence in his voice that took Niall by surprise.

 Didn’t they remember the X Factor? When Niall had let nerves get the better of him during their first performance and nearly ruined the whole thing for the rest of them.

 “You’re so talented, Niall, and a complete professional. And so what if you do? People’ll understand.” Zayn continued. “Today is your first day back in the spotlight, you’re bound to be nervous.”

 “Don’t worry so much.” Liam told him, gently squeezing Niall’s fingers. “You’re going to be great. You always are.”

 They were taken straight to their dressing room upon their arrival at the ITV studios. Make-up and hair came to fuss over them, shaking their heads at the stitches on Harry’s forehead and the deep purple bruise on Niall’s, before they were given tea and coffee and pastries.

 Harry was the only one to eat anything while the others all sipped from mugs of steaming tea. Niall’s, having been prepared by Liam, was syrupy sweet.

 The presenters, different ones from the last time they had been on this show, came to their dressing room about 15 minutes before they were due to go on air and greeted the boys before doing a quick run through of what they were going to talk about.

 “This is your first interview back as a group and Niall’s first one full stop since the stabbing,” the female presenter said, almost carelessly, not noticing the way that Niall flinched, “and there are certain things people are going to want to know about.”

 Niall had just nodded along with the rest of the boys and sucked in a deep breath and tried to ignore the way his insides were twisting painfully.

 The male presenter shot his female counterpart an exasperated expression, clearly not as fond of her as he made out for the cameras, “we’ll try to be as gentle as possible but you understand the importance of this interview, right? Shows up and down the country were fighting for days over which would be the first to get you on.”

 The female presenter looked almost gleeful, “this is one of the biggest news stories of the year, people all over the world are going to watch this. Have you any idea what this could do for my- I mean, our- careers?”

 “I’m glad our best friend’s near death experience is proving so useful for you.” Louis said, bluntly, his anger barely hidden behind a tight-lipped smile. “God knows it’s been a whole boatload of fun for us, too.”

 The female presenter looked sheepish and left their dressing room soon after that, the male presenter following closely behind her, rolling his eyes at his colleague’s behaviour.

 And then, before they even knew it, they were squashed onto the sofa in the studio and the presenters were introducing them.

 “And, to the joy of teenage girls across the world, I’d like to welcome back One Direction for their first group interview since band member Niall Horan was hospitalised two months ago!” The male presenter said as the crew clapped. “Good morning, lads, first of all, how are you doing?”

 “Not too bad.” Louis said, his happy persona fixed firmly in place. “A bit tired, it’s been a while since we’ve had to get up so early!”

 Niall zoned out as pleasantries were exchanged and their new single was discussed, his mind racing with thoughts of the millions of people who were watching them right now, that  _she_  might be one of them, that she might be planning his death right now.

 Liam nudged him in the ribs and noticed that everyone’s eyes were on him.

 Had they asked him a question? He hadn’t been paying attention. Were they going to get angry?

 The male presenter just smiled at him, kindly, and repeated him question, “how are you getting on, Niall? Do you feel you’re back to being 100% yet?”

 Niall stared at him blankly before his brain finally caught up after an awkward pause. He said that he was feeling a lot better than he had been but still wasn’t back to normal yet.

 “He’s getting better every day, though.” Liam said, giving Niall a wide smile. “He’s been working so hard to get back to how he was before. We’re all so proud of him.”

 “Now, we understand that it’s not been an easy journey. There are reports all over the internet and in newspapers that claim that you’ve been having panic attacks since the incident.” The female presenter was careful with her words this time. “Is there any truth in them? Especially when there are photos like this circulating all over the web.”

 The TV show’s logo disappeared from the large flat screen that separated the sofa One Direction were sat on and the one the presenters were on and was instead replaced with a photo taken from the day Niall had been released from the hospital.

 It was one of the ones that had been taken outside the hotel, showing Niall’s stiff figure being carried through the crowd of girls by one of their security guards, his face flushed with panic and tears streaming from his tightly closed eyes.

 Niall quickly averted his eyes from the screen and said in a thick voice that he had never been good with tight spaces and that since  _then_  he had really struggled with the crowds of fans. But, as he recovered himself, he was sure to say how great the fans had been, how supportive and how he really appreciated everything they had done for him. He honestly did.

 “And now let’s talk about what actually happened.” The female presenter’s voice was eager. “The police have been very tight-lipped over releasing any details to the press, can you shed any light on what happened?”

 Niall shrugged and leaned into Liam’s shoulder.

 “Is it true that it was a fan?” She asked.

 Niall nodded but didn’t give her anymore information.

 “I wouldn’t call her a fan.” Louis said.

 “No.” Zayn agreed. “We have our own names for her, like crazy psycho bi-.”

 “She’s definitely not a fan.” Harry cut Zayn off before the older boy could swear.

 “How much do you actually remember of what happened?” The female presenter pressed. “What about all the photos from that day?”

 Niall was going to ask her, ‘what about them?’ but instead he froze when he caught sight of the new image on the screen.

 He had never seen any of the photos before, had never had any interest in seeing them, but now he was looking at himself dying and he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

 His photo self was laying flat against the concrete with this head cradled in Liam’s lap as the older boy pressed a bundle of material, his hoodie, Niall vaguely realised, against his stomach. There was blood pooling on the floor beneath them and it covered all their clothes and both of their hands as Niall had tried to pull Liam’s hands away, to stop him from hurting him. Louis was in the background, running towards them but there was no sight of the other two in the hundreds that watched on with shocked faces. But, he wasn’t interested in them, not when he could see the look of pure pain on his own sickly pale face and Liam…Liam didn’t look angry, not like Niall remembered him looking.

 He looked terrified and heartbroken and desperate and lost all in one and it made Niall’s heart pound painfully in his chest.

 His eyes could have stayed on Liam’s face forever if there had been no blood to distract him.

 And, oh God, it was all over them!

 His white polo and beige trousers had been stained a deep crimson and Liam’s arms up to his elbows were slick with it and it was all over the floor growing and spreading and it was going to cover them all, they were going to drown in it!

 Then the photo disappeared and was replaced by the logo of the TV show once again.

 “I thought we decided against-.”

 “What do you think you’re playing at?”

 “But I had to!”

 “Niall, are you okay?”

 Niall blinked and heard himself speaking, saying that he was fine, but his voice sounded so distant, like it didn’t even belong to him.

 A finger tapped him on the cheek and he started in surprise.

 He took a deep breath and then he really was fine.

 His head spun a little and he felt faint but he hadn’t panicked or fallen apart.

 The photo hadn’t hurt him, he was still here and he was fine.

 He took another breath and gave the person who had tapped him on the cheek, Louis, he knew, as the older boy was crouched in front of him and had both of his hands clasped in his own, a smile.

 “And we’re going to just quickly go to a break.” The male presenter said, hastily. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.”  

 “You zoned out.” Louis said, giving him a worried look and ignoring the barely controlled chaos that had started around them. “I thought you were going to pass out.” 

 Niall shook his head and his smile widened, he was fine, he said, he really was.

 “Then why are you crying?” Louis asked and brought one of his hands up to dab at the tears that were running down Niall’s cheeks unchecked.

 Niall leant forwards and pulled Louis into a long hug and whispered something that sounded like, ‘I’m alive’ and Louis understood.

-

 Louis had tugged Niall back to their dressing room shortly after that, leaving the other three to finish the interview, even if they really didn’t want to.

 “Liam seriously needs to get a hold of his temper.” Louis said as he flopped down into the small sofa, patting the space next to him.

 Niall sat down and immediately curled into the older boy’s side.

 Louis wrapped an arm around Niall’s shoulder and pulled him close, “it was all very sweet the first time that he flew off the handle on your behalf but we can’t afford it now, not with management breathing down our necks and the whole world watching us.”

 Niall didn’t say anything but instead enjoyed the weird buzz in his veins at the thought of Liam standing up for him, wanting to protect him and keep him safe.

 Louis nuzzled Niall’s hair with his nose before letting out a long sigh.

 “I broke up with Eleanor.”

 Niall snaked his arms around Louis’ waist and gave him a gentle squeeze.

 “I should have told you before but I didn’t know when to bring it up.” Louis told him. “It was just after you went into hospital, when you were still really sick with the infection, and I just realised I didn’t love her as much as I should. I didn’t want to hurt her.”

 Niall nodded, he wasn’t angry that Louis hadn’t told him. In fact, he had kind of realised that something was wrong without ever really knowing what it was. He had missed Louis being on his phone, texting and calling Eleanor, he knew that now.

 “The thing is, I really like someone else.” Louis said. “What happened, realising how fragile we all are and how easily it could all be snatched away, it made me see.”

 Niall asked if the other person knew and his heart hammered in his chest and he prayed it wasn’t Liam because he had seen the looks Louis gave Liam sometimes, when he thought Niall wasn’t looking, and he had never understood what they had meant before and- why? Why should he care if Louis and Liam were together (though that still left the question of Danielle), he was their friend and he should be happy for them, not feeling…jealous.

 Was he jealous?

 What did that even mean?

 “After some of the stuff we’ve done I should hope so!” Niall could feel Louis’ grin. “We haven’t told anyone else yet, it’s all still so new and uncertain. You’re the first person.”

 Niall forced himself to smile against the hurt welling in his chest and told Louis he was very happy for him.

 “You don’t sound very happy. What’s wrong?”

 Niall didn’t say anything. He was being childish, he knew, and he didn’t want Louis to be angry with him after he had just trusted him with such important information.

 “You don’t have a problem with Harry and I going out, do you?”

 Harry?

 Niall let out a relieved laugh and buried his head in Louis neck.

 Louis and Harry! So there was something to the bromance after all…

 The thought made him very happy indeed.

 “Wait, who did you think I was going to say?”

 Niall shrugged.

 “Liam?”

 Niall knew he had given himself away when he tensed in Louis’ arms for the briefest of moments.

 “I’d never do that to you, Nialler, I know you like him.”

 The younger boy pulled away from Louis and opened his mouth to deny like he had never denied anything before when he stopped and let out a soft breath of surprise.

 So that’s what  _that_  feeling was.

He liked Liam.

 It suddenly made a lot of sense now.

 Louis laughed like an idiot at the look on Niall’s face, declaring it priceless, before pulling the younger boy into a happy hug.

 “I can’t believe you never worked it out before!” Louis continued to giggle manically. “And I thought Harry was slow about these kinds of things!”

 There was a knock on the door to the dressing room and a member of the crew stuck their head in, “if you guys want to make your way back up to the set for the performance.”

 Louis nodded and pulled Niall up with him as he got up from the sofa, “come on, Nialler, we’re going to rock this.”

-

 His fingers shook as he played the first few notes of the song and he tried to take a deep breath to calm himself but instead his fingers slipped and he knew he had messed up.

 His eyes darted to the other boy’s faces, certain that this was the moment they were going to kick him out of the band, live on air in front of millions of viewers, and probably even  _her_ , but then Liam smiled and he knew he was being an idiot.

 “Do you want to start again?”

 Niall nodded and let one of the other boys count him in.

 He let his eyes close and he just concentrated on his fingers on the guitar strings and the voices of the boys around him and pretended they were sat in Louis and Harry’s flat, singing just for the hell of it.

 His voice was rough from all the crying and screaming he had done the past couple of nights but he swore he had never sung his solo as well as he did then.

 When the song was finished, almost without thinking, the five boys stood and pulled each other into a hug.


	10. Chapter Ten

The rest of the day was mostly spent travelling between the radio interviews their management had arranged for them and the actual interviews themselves.

 It was exhausting but with each one Niall found himself growing in confidence and he began to join the conversations that his band mates had with the presenters instead of just answering the questions that were asked of him.

 They all asked him about what had happened, his recovery and his panic attacks and he became aware that the more he talked about these things the easier it became, as if through words and sharing his experiences he could add distance to the events.

 It didn’t mean that it ever became easy because how could talking about  _that_  ever be easy? But, it became manageable and didn’t hurt as much as the first interview had.

 He was careful to never give away any more information than was already public knowledge, to never reveal how much everything had hurt, to never mention the insecurities that plagued him at his lowest points.

 By the time they arrived at their final interview for the evening on the BBC’s One Show, Niall felt almost good about himself.

 He was so tired and his body ached and he had had a few dizzy spells that had gotten progressively worse as the day dragged on but he was happy. Apart from their first interview, everything else had gone to plan, and the boys, despite their own tiredness, were in high spirits.

 They had encountered loads of their fans everywhere they went and being able to chat to them and have their photos taken and give autographs without anything bad happening had been such a thrill and they had loved every minute of it.

 There were more of them outside the BBC studios and the five boys stayed outside for nearly 20 minutes chatting to them before they headed inside with their security, as ever, close behind. 

 The studio they needed to go to was on the first floor and instead of waiting for the lift (Louis said that was just pure laziness) they decided to take the stairs.

 Harry nudged Louis in the ribs as they walked down the corridor to the stairwell, giving him a smile that Niall finally understood, “I’ll race you.”

 “What are we- five?” Louis asked. “No way.”

 “Only because you know Harry’d win.” Liam teased.

 “Right, all of us.” Louis said. “After three…One, two-.”

 But Louis was already running down the hallway, laughing loudly, “last one to the top has to do my washing for a month!”

 “No way!” Zayn complained but he was running as well.

 Without thinking, Harry, Liam and Niall took off after them, leaving their security far behind, pushing at each other to get an advantage and joining in with their eldest band mate’s laughter.

 Halfway up the stairs Niall’s vision suddenly swam and he fell forwards onto the steps.

 He could feel the nausea rising in the pit of his stomach and he grasped blindly at the handrail, willing for it to be over, as his breath came in painful gasps and sweat formed on his forehead.

 “Niall?”

 He felt Harry’s hand on his shoulder and he tried to tell him he was fine, that he was just waiting for the moment to pass, but he was pretty sure it came out as nothing more than a groan.

 Harry’s hand moved to his back and began to rub soothing circles there, “you look pretty green, you’re not going to be sick are you?”

 Niall hadn’t been, not until Harry had mentioned it, but then the idea wouldn’t leave him and he could feel the bile building at the back of his throat.

 He nodded and let out another groan when this made his vision black out completely.

 He clenched his eyes shut and leant heavily against Harry when the younger boy pulled him to his feet and, somehow, they made it up the stairs without falling.

 “Where are the toilets?” Harry asked as they met the other boys in the corridor at the top of the stairs.

 Niall brought a hand to his mouth as he repressed the urge to heave.

 “Shit.” Zayn said. “There are some just here, come on.”

 They barely managed to get Niall’s head over the toilet before he lost everything he had eaten that day.

 Harry stayed with him the entire time, rubbing his back and whispering words that Niall didn’t hear over the sound of his own retching, and when he was finally done he flushed the toilet and helped the smaller boy to his feet and over to the sinks where the others stood.

 “That was a pretty epic vom session.” Louis said, looking worried and guilty. “Are you alright?”

 Niall nodded because he felt a lot better and splashed water in his face to rid it of tear tacks before asking who lost.

 “What?” Liam asked.

 And Niall rolled his eyes and reminded them about the race they had been having. When none of them answered Niall flicked the water that was dripping from his hands in their faces and declared Harry the loser just because he could.

 Harry, the first to catch on to the fact that Niall didn’t want to talk about what had happened, didn’t want to sour the good mood they had been in, protested, “No way, not when I dragged your ass up all those stairs. I should get some kind of medal.”

 Niall flashed him a grin as he dug around in his pockets for chewing gum and joked that maybe he’d get him nominated for some kind of award for valour, maybe ask the Queen herself if she cared to present it to him, and Harry punched him on the arm, lightly.

 “Alright, alright, no need to be a dick about it.” But Harry was grinning.

 Louis was the next to catch on, “Maybe we should get young Harry a suit for the occasion, something dashing.”

 Zayn was the next, “And orange.”

 “Do you want him to pull the Queen?” Louis asked, a look of mock-outrage on his face. “Harry looks way too good in orange. All he’d have to do is flutter his lashes in her direction and give her the famous Harry Styles Sex Smirk – I’ve copyrighted that, by the way – and she’d be putty in his hands. I vote bogey green.”

 Harry rolled his eyes in exasperation and Niall laughed, loudly.

 Liam was looking at them as if they had all gone insane.

 “Or maybe really tacky leopard print.” Louis continued, slinging his arm around the youngest boy. “I don’t think that even you’d be able to pull that off, Haz.”

 Zayn snorted and opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Liam.

 “You have something in your hood, Niall.”

 Niall immediately tried to reach over his shoulder and get whatever it was out but the movement pulled at his scar and he let out a short wince before turning slightly so Liam, who was the closest, could pull it out.

 “It’s a note.” Liam said.

 “I bet it’s from one of the fans.” Zayn joked. “Declaring their undying love.”

 “Marry me, Niall!” Louis squeaked in an over exaggerated impression of the girls that waited for them wherever they went. “Let me have your babies! Let me touch you, kiss you, wrap my lips around your giant Irish co-.”

 “Louis!” Harry scolded, putting a hand over the oldest boy’s mouth, as Niall blushed bright red.

 “It’s not from a fan.” Liam told them and their faces fell as one.

 Niall took the note from Liam’s shaking hands and read it before quickly passing it on to Zayn.

 No one said the words out loud but they could hear them in the silence that stretched between them.

  _Quit the band or I will kill you._

 Finally, Zayn spoke, “how long do you think it’s been in there?”

 “Niall didn’t put his hoodie on until we were in the car on the way here.” Liam said, frowning.

 Niall nodded, his hoodie had been in the car all day, not needing to be used until the gentle warmth of the British summer drained away into cool evening, but then that could only mean that  _she_  had been there, outside, when they had spent all that time talking with their fans…

 _She_  had been so close!

 His skin crawled.

 How had he not noticed  _her_?

 “We’ve all seen the picture the sketch artist drew, why didn’t we see her? We were with Niall the entire time!” Harry said, his eyes wide.

 “We should give the note to the police straightaway, see if they can get any fingerprints.” Liam said.

 “After we’ve all touched it?” Zayn asked, sceptical. 

 Hot, angry tears burned Niall’s eyes and he ground the base of his hands into them and tried not to sob.

 He  _hated_  this!

 Hated, hated, hated.  

 The day had been going so well and they had all been so happy and now  _she_  was ruining it all again! As if she hadn’t tried her hardest to destroy his life already, she kept pushing, tearing into him and hurting him, and he knew it wouldn’t take much more before he finally broke beyond repair.

 It wasn’t fair!

 He was trying so hard to keep it all together, to rebuild what she had knocked down and he honestly didn’t know how much more he could take.

 How much more the boys would take…

 He knew he was weak, that he weighed down heavily on all their shoulders with everything that had happened to him and now with these continued threats. How much more would it take before one or all of them finally snapped and left or told him to leave the band (though he didn’t want to, he didn’t! Oh, God, had Zayn told them he had thought about quitting? Had they wished he had?) because they were only human and there was only so much they could be expected to indulge. 

 And they had been so nice to him! Sleeping with him and cuddling him and reassuring him whenever he needed it and what had he done in return but make their lives harder?

 He was so pathetic! They were his friends and all he was doing was dragging them down with him. They didn’t deserve that. What the hell was wrong with him?

 His panic attacks, his nightmares and restless nights, his dizzy spells, his mistakes, his neediness, his body’s weakness, his fear of the fans…

 The list went on and on and on.

 Maybe, maybe Liam was right, he was tearing the band apart.

 Should he quit so that they could be happy? So that they could move on with their lives? So that he couldn’t continue to hurt them?

 They were going to get tired of him eventually, especially if he continued to deprive them of sleep, perhaps it would be better if he took that first step and left. That way it wouldn’t be so painful when they finally realised how much of a deadweight he was.

 His quiet, ‘I’m going to quit’ wasn’t heard over the other boys’ arguing over what they should do but when he repeated himself, louder, Liam froze mid-sentence and stared at him.

 “What did you say, Niall?”

 He said it for a third time, louder still, and the silence that followed was deafening.

 He buried his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and refused to look at anyone’s face.

 He didn’t want to see them, just in case…just in case they agreed with him.

 That they had just been waiting for him to say the words.

 “Are you fucking joking me?” Zayn exploded. “I thought we had been over this?”

 Niall stuttered as he told them he couldn’t put them through this any longer, couldn’t drag them down with him, that it would be better for the band if he left before he could tear it apart.

 Liam flinched when the words he had said in anger during their fight two weeks ago slipped from Niall’s lips and he bit down on his bottom lip to stop himself from crying.

 “Please tell me you’re not being serious.” Louis sounded almost desperate and Niall was surprised by the pure emotion in his voice. “You can’t be! Please, Niall, please-.”

 Niall interrupted him and said that it was what was best for all of them. To keep One Direction going.

 “But you can’t quit!” Harry’s eyes were bright with tears. “We wouldn’t be One Direction without you! We need you, you’re our best friend!”

 “You can’t let her win, Niall, please, this is what she wants.” Zayn’s words held an anger that Niall wasn’t used to. “You’ve been so strong and fought so hard! To give it all up now- when you’re finally,  _finally_ , almost you again…”

 “We’ll be whatever you need.” Louis promised. “Do whatever you want. If you need a break or want to go home then all you need to do is say, just- just don’t quit, please, Nialler.”

 Niall shook his head and didn’t stop the tears that now ran down his cheeks. He told them they had been everything he had needed and that he loved them  _so much_  but he knew that he was starting to become a burden and they’d soon get annoyed and angry with him.

 “That’d never happen.” Louis and Harry said in almost perfect unison before Louis continued, “you could never be anything but our best friend and, yes, we might sometimes get angry or frustrated but it’s never at you, Niall, never- it’s at  _her_ , for what she did, and how much the world sucks sometimes because, shit, you didn’t- you don’t- deserve any of this.”

 Niall wanted to believe him, to promise that he’d stay and he’d never think about quitting again, but he couldn’t, not when Liam was standing next to him, his face twisted into an expression that Niall didn’t even try to understand, completely silent.

 “You’ve come so far already, please, Niall, don’t leave.” And Harry was crying now, Niall could hear it in his voice but Niall didn’t look at him, he only had eyes for Liam.

 Finally, frightened blue eyes locked with broken brown and Liam said, “if you quit, Niall, then I will, too, because…because,  _fuck_ , I don’t think I can be in One Direction without you.”

 And Niall’s defence crumbled and he grabbed blindly at the bodies around him and pulled them towards him, suddenly desperate to feel their comforting heat and inhale the mixtures of their colognes that were so different but just smelled like  _home_ , and he whispered that he was sorry, he was  _so,_   _so sorry_ , and that he loved them so all god-damned much.

 “Don’t be sorry, Niall.” Zayn murmured into the crush of bodies. “Don’t ever be sorry. Just say you’re going to stay.”

 Niall nodded and his whispered ‘I’ll stay’ was lost in the exhales of relief from the boys around him.

 “We  _will_  get through this.” Louis said over their uneven breathing and soft sobs. “Whatever it takes. We’ll get through this, I know we will.”

-

“A little later than planned, we have the boys from One Direction live here with us in the studio!”

 There was a quiet cheer and clapping from behind the camera and the boys joined in with their own slightly exaggerated cheering.

 The sofa was much too small for all five of them so Niall had found himself sat on Zayn’s knee, the older boy having bounced down on the sofa when they came in, mid-VT, and pulled Niall down with him, wrapping an arm around the still way too skinny waist and holding him possessively.

 Harry, who was sat next to Zayn, had pulled Niall’s legs up onto his lap and Niall had stretched out so that his feet ended up on Louis’ lap, meaning the eldest had full access to his shoelaces and fiddled with the throughout the interview, while Liam, who Niall didn’t quite reach, had an arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulders, fingers absentmindedly playing with the other’s braces.

 The groups’ red and puffy eyes were clear to see and, since there had been next to no time for make-up to do anything with them after they had been discovered in the bathroom by a very irate Paul , the barely dried tear tracks that stained their cheeks were visible for everyone to see whenever the camera zoomed in on their faces.

 “Can I just say how lovely it is to see you looking so healthy? How are you feeling, boys?”

“Tired, it’s been a long day but we’re glad to be back.” Liam said, the nominated speaker for this interview. “It feels like we’ve been away for ages.”

 “I can imagine. These past two months can’t have been easy, were there times when you thought you might not ever have the chance to perform again?”

“Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. At least not about performing together. ” Liam said. “It didn’t really matter, you know? In the first couple of weeks all I could think about was whether Niall was going be okay, when he was going to wake up, I worried about the other stuff later.”

 Zayn pulled Niall closer at Liam’s words and the smaller boy nuzzled his face into the other’s neck, pressing a quick kiss against the smooth skin as if to remind him that he really was still here, that he was okay, and that he definitely remembered how to get the fangirls talking.

 “Liam’s our chief worrier.” Louis said, trying to lift the mood a little. “He worries about things before the rest of us have even thought of the thing he’s worrying about.”

 “If I didn’t worry then we’d never be on time for anything.” Liam rolled his eyes, good-naturedly, ignoring the fact that they had been late to this interview.

 “That’s true, actually, I think the rest of us wander around with our heads in the clouds half of the time.” Harry said. “Liam’s the sensible one.”

 Niall was comfortable and felt loved and warm, and his best friends’ voices were so soothing, that he couldn’t help but remember his previous exhaustion and he found himself fighting back a yawn.

 “What happened must have come as such a big shock to you, I mean, you were on such a high after all your success in America and Australia, how do you even begin to cope when something like that happened?”

 “It definitely killed the high we were on, I’ll tell you that.” The light tone in Louis’ voice sounded forced. “But, I don’t know, we had to just take it one day at a time. I think that was the only way we  _could_  cope, to be honest.”

 “Being in hospital was the toughest time but it got easier when Niall started to get better.” Zayn said over through boy in question’s hair.

 “We actually have a photo that I think you, Zayn, posted on twitter from the hospital.”

 The logo on the screen in the middle of the two sofas disappeared and was replaced a photo that Zayn had indeed taken.

 It was from the day after Liam had posted his photo of him and Niall and Zayn had wanted to get in on the action so, when the then blonde had fallen asleep after picking at his hospital lunch, Zayn had snapped a quick photo of him, mouth hanging open and looking so tiny and young and ill in the ridiculous pyjamas Louis had bought him, and posted it to twitter with the caption: ‘sleeping beauty waiting for prince charming.’

 Then, when Liam had walked through the door nearly half an hour later, a bag full of cuddly toys and cards in one hand, Louis, who had been Zayn’s co-conspirator in the whole thing, had taken another photo with the message: ‘prince charming finally shows up.’

 Neither Liam or Niall had been too impressed with the boys antics but neither had complained. The fangirls had gone insane over it and that had been enough to keep their mouths shut.

 “Yeah, I took that photo.” Zayn said, smiling, aware that Niall’s breathing was slowing into a steady rhythm that he knew meant sleep, “he looked too cute for me not to.”

 “He looks so much better now, a lot healthier.” Louis grinned. “He just needs to drop the whole skeletal look he’s rocking at the moment, I miss being able to pinch his cheeks.”

 “I hope you’re talking about the cheeks on his face.” Harry said, knocking his shoulder into Louis’, gently.

 “Who doesn’t love a good, old-fashioned grab at Nialler’s bum every now and then?” Louis joked.

 The presenters cleared their throats before one of them quickly changed the subject, “we’ve heard you’ve been working together with the police in order to find information on Niall’s attacker. What can you tell us about that?”

 “Yeah, the police are wanting to talk to a girl who has been seen at a couple of our meetings with our fans recently, they think she might have more information on Niall’s… _attacker_ , but they haven’t been able to get in contact with her.” Liam said.

 “We have the sketch the police have released to the public.”

 It appeared on the screen.

 “That’s it. If anyone has seen this girl around, spoke to her or know anything about her then please get in contact with the police, it could be really important.” Liam tried to make his voice sound as light as possible but he struggled, especially with his last statement, “don’t worry, you’re not going to get her in trouble if you speak to the police about her.”

 “Right, we’re quickly running out of time but before you go get ready to perform for us, tell us a little about your single.”

 “Erm, well, it’s out next week, on Tuesday, I think, and it’s the fourth single from our album ‘Up All Night’.” Liam said, looking suddenly sheepish, as if he had forgotten most of the information he was supposed to pass on.

 Harry nodded, “we hadn’t planned on releasing it as a single but after the amazing support we’ve had from our fans the past two months we decided we needed to give them something back.”

 “It’s an excuse, really.” Louis said. “To get out there and meet as many fans as possible and thank them for everything they’ve done for us before we disappear into the studio for a couple of months to record the second album.”

 Zayn nudged Niall into consciousness, smiling because, really, only Niall could fall asleep live on national television and actually get away with it.

 “Okay, while the guys go and get themselves ready for their performance we have a small clip for everyone at home about the extraordinary journey these boys have been on in the last two years.”

 Once the cameras switched off the boys pulled themselves from the sofa, Liam pulling Niall upright so that Zayn could stand up, and they shuffled over to the small performance area.

 Niall yawned and blinked in confusion as someone handed him his guitar and told him to sit down on the singular stool in the centre of the small space. He did as he was told, adjusting both the guitar strap over his shoulder and the microphone in front of him, as the other boys were handed their own microphones and in no time the song was being introduced.

 “And so, without any further ado, performing their new single ‘More Than This’ from their double-platinum debut album, it’s One Direction!”

 Niall’s fingers moved as if on autopilot and he was glad because his brain was still clouded with sleep. He didn’t make any mistakes, though, and he even managed to pull off his solo quite well, though, he sounded far from his best.

 He started in surprise when Zayn wrapped an arm around his shoulder at the beginning of his solo, singing, “I never had the words to say, but now I’m asking you to stay for a little while inside my arms.”

 Happiness bubbled in his stomach and he gave Zayn a brilliant smile as the older boy straightened and continued with his solo.

 Harry ruffled Niall’s hair as the song finished and they all grinned at one another, the worries and fears of not even an hour previously melting away in the heat of their love for one another.


	11. Chapter Eleven

 The next day followed a similar pattern to the first with an early morning TV interview before travelling to the other side of London for a radio interview and then another one.

 Mid-afternoon they did some filming for a chat show that was due to be aired one night later that week. That was fun as the presenter was a comedian and someone who they had worked with before and he kept them in fits of giggles the whole time, not wanting to dwell on all the negativity of the last two months. He even had them bring and wear the onesies they had loved and worn so much while Niall was in the hospital and they spent a good amount of time talking about the strangest gifts Niall had received which the others had been happy to talk about as Niall had never seen some of the weirder things that had come through the post.

 The boys all thoroughly enjoyed themselves and it made such a change to the melancholy atmosphere that seemed to hang over the interviews they did.

 Then, after that, they were informed that they had the rest of the afternoon off as the magazine interview they were due to have had been called off because the interviewer was ill.

 So, it was in high spirits that they returned to their apartment complex much earlier than planned. They congregated in Harry and Louis’ flat just because it was closest to the entrance and argued about what they should do with themselves.

 “We should go out, go shopping or go to the cinema or something.” Zayn said, blowing on Louis’ face in an effort to annoy the other boy.

 “Nah, I don’t know if I fancy going all the way out again.” Liam said as he stretched out on the sofa.

 Louis shook his head and narrowed his eyes at Zayn as he spoke, “If you don’t stop that then I’ll put Nair in your shampoo.”

 “You wouldn’t dare!” Zayn said but he stopped because he wouldn’t put it past Louis to carry through with his threat.

 Niall, who was sat at Harry’s side on the floor, suggested that they watch a film.

 “There are only so many times I can watch Grease in a month and I think I’ve reached my limit.” Harry said.

 “We could go out for food?” Zayn tried again, pushing for them to leave the complex. “We haven’t had a nando’s in a couple of weeks.”

 Usually this would have gotten Niall on his side but the younger boy was inclined to agree with Liam that day, he didn’t know if he could be bothered going out once again.

 “Why don’t we go swimming?” Harry asked, suddenly grinning. “We haven’t been down to the pool in forever!”

 “Ooo!” Louis exclaimed, loudly, and clapped his hands. “Yes! I have that inflatable ball we bought before we went to America in my wardrobe still and I’ve been dying to see Harry in those trunks I bought him!”

 Harry blushed but he looked to Liam, knowing that if they were going to do anything then he needed ‘Daddy Direction’ on board, “what do you think, Liam?”

 Liam smiled, “sure, why not? Niall? Zayn?”

 Zayn shrugged, “if everyone else wants to then, yeah, okay. It could be fun.”

 “Could be?!” Louis sounded outraged. “My dear boy, I think you’ll find that anything involving me, revealing swimwear and an inflatable ball is sure to be a barrel of laughs.”

 “Do you even listen to what comes out of your mouth sometimes, Lou?” Zayn asked.

 “Not really, no.” Louis grinned and stuck his tongue out at Zayn before clapping his hands and standing up. “Rightio, my little bundles of joy, go get changed and meet back here in 10 minutes, okay?”

 Niall let Harry pull him to his feet and didn’t hide a laugh when Louis all but shoved them out of the flat.

 “You know,” Zayn said once they were safe distance from Harry and Louis’ home, “I think there’s something going on between those two.”

 “You think so?” Liam asked as they reached Zayn’s front door.

 “Yeah.” Zayn smiled and then shot Liam a look that Niall didn’t see, too busy scuffing his trainers on the carpet and trying not to give anything away about Harry and Louis, “Kind of makes me wish I wasn’t single. Don’t you agree, Liam?”

 “I have a girlfriend.” Liam reminded him, though, he didn’t sound happy about it.

 Niall looked up from the floor and gave the two boys a confused glance, not really understanding the conversation.

 “Oh, yeah.” Zayn said. “You should probably do something about that.”

 Without saying anything else Zayn disappeared into his flat.

 Niall asked Liam what the older boy had meant as they carried on down the hall.

 Liam just shrugged and told Niall that he had no idea before they reached Liam’s door and he, too, made a quick exit.

 Niall continued to the end of the hallway and dug he keys out of his pocket and let himself into his flat.

 He went straight into his bedroom and dug around under his bed for his flip flops before moving to his chest of drawers and worked on finding his trunks.

 With the elusive item of clothing in hand, he disappeared into the bathroom despite the fact that he had no one there watching him and his bathroom door didn’t shut anymore.

 He really had to do something about getting that fixed.

 He got changed quickly and threw the clothes he had been wearing on the floor, knowing that he’d pick them up before he went to bed, and rolled his eyes at how loose the trunks now felt. They had fit him perfectly the last time he had worn them.

 It was as he went to pull on the drawstrings to tighten the waist that his eyes landed on his scar and the breath  _whooshed_  out of him.

 He had forgotten about it.

 He had actually  _forgotten_   _about it_!

 How could he go swimming with  _that_  on display for everyone to see?

 It was so  _ugly_.

 Jagged and uneven, an angry red against his white skin, it was a cruel reminder of what _she_  had done, one that would be with him for the rest of his life.

 He had spent the last two months, since  _it_  had happened, avoiding looking at it or touching it and now he was going to go swimming and put it on show for his best friends to see.

 What if they thought it was disgusting? That it ruined him more completely and permanently than crooked teeth and a boyish figure ever had? When they saw it…would that be the moment they’d come to their senses and kick him out of the band?

 He tried to think of excuses to put off joining the rest of the boys and he knew he was being ridiculous.

 After everything they had said and done the day before, everything they had said and done since he’d been hurt, he knew they would never hurt him. They  _loved_  him. They had told him so many times, when was he finally going to believe them?

 He sighed at himself.

 He hated this.

 He dragged his eyes away from the scar and went back into his bedroom and found a clean t-shirt and pulled it on. He knew the other boys had no qualms about walking around the hallways of their complex with only their trunks on but Niall couldn’t do that, definitely not now, not when a stranger might see, might look at him like he deserved it.

 He slipped his flip flops on and picked up a fresh towel and left his flat, locking it quickly.

 Zayn was already there when he returned to Louis and Harry’s flat so they had only Liam to wait on.

 “I said 10 minutes!” Louis whined as he blew air into the aforementioned inflatable ball. “What’s taking him so long?”

 Niall shrugged and told the older boy that he had no idea.

 Louis huffed, “you were 3 minutes late. Does the word ‘punctual’ not mean anything to anyone?”

 Harry snorted, “like you can talk.”

 “ _I_  was on time.” Zayn reminded the eldest.

 Louis grinned at him, “you’re my new favourite.”

 “What about me?” Harry asked, pretending to be hurt. “I was on time, too!”

 “Only because you live here.”

 “Fine, then.” Harry dropped an arm around Niall’s shoulders. “Me and Irish are going to join forces and create a bromance the likes of which have never been seen!”

 Niall laughed at him, told him that he was being an idiot and that he didn’t really want to have anything to do Harry’s crazy scheme.

 Harry put a hand over his heart and gave the shorter boy his best wounded look, “You cut me deep, Nialler, you cut me real deep.”

 Liam arrived then, looking frustrated and annoyed.

 “Where have you been?” Louis screeched at him. “You are 6 minutes late!”

 “Sorry.” Liam said. “I was on the phone with Danielle. We had an argument.”

 Louis shook his head, “no excuse.”

 But he didn’t say anything more on the matter and started on their way down to the pool in the basement, laughing and joking with one another. Liam eventually joining in as his mood brightened.

 They bumped into one of their security at the end of the hall and he just rolled his eyes at them, good-naturedly, as they wandered down the stairs in nothing in but their (in the case of Harry, very skimpy) trunks, just as Niall had guessed they would.

 “Have fun, boys.” He had called after them. “I’m just going to go for a smoke.”

 “That’s fine, we’ll probably be down in the pool for a while so take your time.” Harry had replied.

 The swimming pool was, as always, deserted and the other boys threw their towels down on the side before jumping into water.

 Niall watched them joke around and splash around while he tugged at the hem of his t-shirt, building up the courage to finally take it off.

 “Come on, Niall, what are you waiting for?” Harry asked when he noticed that Niall wasn’t in the water with them.

 Niall shook his head and let out a quiet, ‘nothing’ before he shed his t-shirt.

 He heard someone let out a gasp and he dropped his gaze to the floor, unable to look at the expressions on his friends’ faces.

 They had never seen the scar before. He had always kept it hidden from them, just like he kept it hidden from his own eyes, and never talked about it. He doubted that they had even seen it at the hospital (and they had seen  _a lot_  of him in there, between needing help in the bathroom and getting changed) as it had always been hidden beneath bandages.

 What were they thinking?

 He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.

 He wrapped his arms around his middle, self-consciously.

 “Niall…” Louis said slowly. “You really need to start putting some weight on. I’m pretty sure I can count all your ribs.”

 Niall peeked up at him and Louis gave him a warm smile.

 “Now, are you going to get in the pool or am I going to have to drag you in?” Louis asked.

 And, just like that, things went back to normal.

 The first half an hour was spent just messing around before Louis divided them into teams for a highly competitive match of water volleyball.

 Niall, who had been put on Louis and Zayn’s team, had been able to keep up through the first half of the game but opted to sit out the second half and act as the much needed referee as he was just too tired and his body ached too much to keep on playing.

 He still had fun watching his friends, though, and if his eyes lingered on Liam’s half-naked body longer than was strictly necessary, nobody noticed.

They finally decided to call it quits when Harry started complaining he was hungry, though, Louis wasn’t too happy (“you only want to stop because Team Zouis is kicking your arses!”), but he gave in at the mention of getting a takeaway for dinner.

 They quickly towelled themselves dry and Niall put his t-shirt back on before they started back up to their floor, now bickering between themselves over what they were going to order.

 “Got to be a Chinese, man, we haven’t had one in ages!” Zayn said, elbowing Louis in the ribs as they climbed the stairs.

 “But- pizza!” Louis moaned.

 “We have pizza in the freezer.” Harry told him.

 “Yeah, but that’s just not the same!”

 “We don’t have any Chinese in the freezer.” Zayn pointed out. “Come on, it’s got to be done.”

 Louis pouted for a moment before his face lit up in a mischievous smile, “how about this? The first person to be dressed and showered and in mine and Harry’s living room gets to choose?”

 “That’s not fair- I’ve got to go further than you.” Zayn complained.

 “But we only have one shower.” Louis reminded him.

 “Fine. You’re on.”

 And Zayn started running with Louis and then Harry quick on his trail.

 “They’re insane.” Liam said, laughing. “We could have just ordered from two places.”

 Niall laughed and said that that’d be too easy for them.

 “True.”

 There was an easy silence between them as they walked up the hallway.

 When Liam didn’t stop at his own door Niall gave him a questioning look.

 “You look a little pale, I just wanted to make sure that you got back to your flat okay.”

 Niall laughed and shook his head and told him he was only three doors down the hall but then the world spun and Niall was suddenly very glad that Liam was there with him.

 Liam grabbed his arm to steady him and Niall clenched his eyes shut against this unexpected bout of dizziness and just waited for it to pass.

 When it did he opened his eyes and was startled at the proximity of Liam’s face to his own.

 They locked eyes and seemed to stare at one another for an eternity.

 Niall didn’t know if it had been himself or Liam but, suddenly, one of them moved and their lips crashed together in a clumsy kiss.

 It was awkward and uncertain but Niall was still sad when Liam pulled away.

 “We shouldn’t have done that.” Liam whispered.

 But the older boy was pressing his lips against Niall’s again before he could even register what Liam had said.

 This kiss was better, less hesitant and more passion fuelled, and Niall put as much of himself into it as he could, bringing a hand up to Liam’s face as the taller boy curled a hand into Niall’s dark hair, and he knew this was what love felt like.

 Niall was the one to break the kiss this time but only because he really needed to breathe.

 If oxygen wasn’t such a necessity then he was pretty sure he could have kept on going forever.

 “Niall…” Liam’s voice was soft. “I love you.”

 Niall smiled so widely then that he thought his face was going to split in two before a sudden thought occurred to him and his face fell.

  _Danielle_.  

 Liam had a girlfriend.

 “We broke up.” Liam was perhaps a bit too quick to assure him but he wanted it to be true so badly that he accepted Liam’s words without question.

 Niall told him that he loved him, too.

 Their third kiss was chaste and sweet but it was enough to have Niall smiling brightly once again.

 Niall slipped his hand into Liam’s and they walked the last couple of metres to Niall’s flat.

 “Did you leave your door open?” Liam asked even if it was obvious he hadn’t from the way the wood around the lock was splintered and broken.

 Niall shook his head and stepped closer to Liam as the older boy cautiously pushed the door open. 

 They were met with silence.

 “We should phone the police.” Liam said, worry clear in his voice.

 Niall shook his head and stepped in front of the older boy, flicking the light on and illuminating what was left of his living room.

 His books and CDs and DVDs were strewn all over the floor, his TV had been smashed and the sofa looked like it had been slashed with a knife. His photos had been taken from their frames and ripped to shreds while the frames themselves had been shattered and the broken glass trodden into the carpet.

 He stepped further into the flat with Liam hot on his heels.

 The drawers and cabinets in the kitchen were open and their contents littered the floor. Anything breakable had been smashed.

 In his bedroom all his clothes had been pulled from his wardrobe and drawers and his bed had been overturned. All his keepsakes and mementos were broken or missing and his laptop lay in a shattered heap, a dent in the wall showing it had been thrown.

 Even the bathroom hadn’t escaped damage. The mirror had been smashed and the shower curtain had been ripped down.

 And everywhere there was red.

 It coated the walls, soaked into the carpet, ruined all of his clothes.

 Everything he owned, everything he held dear, was covered in red.

 And, on the wall above where the bed had once rested, were the words Niall had nightmares about.

  _Quit the band or I will kill you._


	12. Chapter Twelve

“Harry…do you want me to- oh,  _fuck_ \- do you want me to lose?”

 “I don’t know, I quite fancy a Chinese…”

 “You’re such a-  _Jesus Christ!_  – bastard but, oh God, don’t stop, please, don’t stop…”

 “Like that, do you?”

 “Yes! Just-.”

 “And what about if I do  _this_?”

 “Holy mother of fuck! Yes, please, Harry-!”

 They looked at each other with wide eyes when they heard their front door bang open and Louis was quick to pull his trunks up as Harry stood.

 “Zayn can’t be ready already.” Louis said.

 “If he is then I don’t care what he says, we’re getting pizza.” Harry pouted.

 It was then they heard a raised voice through the door and they knew something wasn’t right.

 Liam and Niall were in their living room still dressed in what they had been wearing last time Louis and Harry had seen them. Liam was pacing the space in front of the television, his phone pressed to his ear, and he was speaking so quickly that neither of them could follow what he was saying. All they could work out was he was very angry.

 Niall was on the sofa looking incredibly pale and as if he was either about to start crying or burst into a fit of laughter.

 “What’s going on?” Harry asked.

 The laughter won out and Liam shot him a look that showed he clearly thought that whatever had happened wasn’t something to laugh about.

 Harry repeated his question but with greater urgency this time.

 The laughter was bordering on hysterical now but they both thought they heard something that sounded like, ‘ _she’s_  destroyed everything.’

 Then the laughter turned into sobs.

 Louis immediately moved to the younger boy and wrapped his arms around him and stroked his hair, “what’s happened, Niall? What do you mean?”

 Had something new happened? How? When? They hadn’t left the complex!

 “The police are on their way.” Liam informed them as he dropped his phone onto the coffee table with a quiet  _clunk_. “I can’t believe this!”

 “Why are the police coming?” Harry asked, a mixture of fear and worry making his face crumple into a frown. “Tell us what’s happened!”

 “Niall’s flat has been broken into.” Liam said and he collapsed onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands.

 “What? Have they- did they steal something?” Harry asked.

 Liam snorted, “I doubt it. It’s been trashed.”

 “What do you mean?” Louis asked, looking away from Niall for the first time.

 “It’s been trashed.” Liam repeated. “The whole place. Everything. I don’t think there’s anything in there that can be saved.”

 Harry’s eyebrows shot up into his hair, “you’re not being serious, are you?”

 Niall nodded his head but he didn’t say anything.

 His crying had quieted now to nothing more than the occasional sniffle and Louis thought he might be in shock.

 “Everything.” Liam said. “Go and have a look if you don’t believe me. Someone needs to get Zayn anyway- the police want to talk to us all.”

 “Will you be alright if we-?” Louis whispered in Niall’s ear and the smaller boy nodded.

 Louis gave him a tight squeeze before releasing him and standing up.

 “Wear shoes.” Liam told them with a wince. “There’s broken glass everywhere.”

 Louis’ eyes slid to Liam’s feet and saw the blood that stained his white flip flops.

 Niall’s feet were only slightly better but he didn’t seem to notice the pain.

 Louis made a note to check them both over when he got back but, for the moment, morbid curiosity was pulling him in the direction of Niall’s flat.

 “Don’t touch anything.” Liam said as Louis and Harry slipped t-shirts and proper footwear on.

 “We won’t.” Louis promised and then he and Harry left, fingers firmly entwined.

 “This is bad, isn’t it?” Harry sounded so young.

 “Liam might have been exaggerating.” Louis said but he really doubted it.

 They made it to Zayn’s flat in record time. They didn’t bother knocking, they never did, they just let themselves in and Harry called their band mate’s name.

 “What are you two doing here?” Zayn asked, appearing in the doorway between his bedroom and the living room, a towel slung low on his hips having obviously only just finished in the shower. “I haven’t been  _that_  long.”

 But then he saw the sombre looks on their faces and his smile melted away, “is everything alright? Has something happened?”

 “Niall’s flat has been broken into.” The oldest said. “Get dressed, we’re going to have a look before the police get here.”

 “Are you kidding?”

 Louis shook his head, “I wish we were.”

 Zayn’s eyes widened before he disappeared back into his bedroom.

 “Why is this happening?” Harry asked.

 Louis didn’t have an answer.

 Zayn reappeared seconds later, pulling a shirt over his head.

 “Liam said to wear proper shoes.” Louis told him.

 The darker boy nodded and he put his trainers on and they were on their way.

 It was worse than Louis could have ever imagined.

 “Shit.” Harry whispered, horrified, as his eyes tried to take in all the damage at once.

 “Fuck.” Zayn agreed.

 Louis couldn’t bring himself speak.

 Harry started to cry when they saw the bedroom, saw the words that had been painted on the wall, and Louis was too numb to even think about trying to offer him comfort.

 “I can’t believe this.” Zayn murmured. “Why?”

 “All his clothes…” Harry said through barely audible sobs, saying something, anything, just to fill the quiet.

 Louis couldn’t help himself, he started to laugh.

 “This isn’t funny, Lou.” Zayn hissed.

 “I’m sorry!” Louis said, trying to catch his breath but failing miserably. “It’s just that- in all of  _this_ \- Harry decides to worry about clothes?”

 And Louis couldn’t stop and he thought he understood Niall’s reaction better now because everything really had been destroyed and that  _she_  just wouldn’t give up until Niall was just as broken as his belongings were.

His laughter stopped abruptly when he reached the hallway after making a quick retreat, not being able to stand being in there for a moment longer.

 What if Niall had been in there when  _she_  had broken in?

 What if he had decided to take a nap instead of coming for a swim with them?

 What if he had hidden away, feigned some kind of illness and not left his apartment, in an attempt to hide the damage that  _she_ had left the first time they had met?

 Would  _she_  have killed him?

 Would  _she_ have tortured him and left him bleeding and hurting and drowning in his own blood while the rest of the band played in the pool downstairs completely unaware?

 He felt sick.

 When Zayn and Harry emerged from the flat seconds later he pulled them both into a hug without a word.

 Harry clung back to him, desperately, needing to feel the comfort of another body pressed against his own, and Zayn’s grip was almost as strong as he grasped at two of his best friends and Louis could feel the shaking of his body as he cried.

 Louis shed his own tears, knowing that now was the time to be weak, to breakdown a little, before going back to Niall and Liam.

 Eventually, after their tears slowed and finally stopped, they loosened their holds on one another but they didn’t let go.

 “We should get back.” Zayn said. “See how he is.”

 The two other boys nodded and they returned to Louis and Harry’s flat without a word, their arms and fingers tangled together.

 Niall was on them the second they stepped through the door, hugging them and crying and speaking words too choked with sobs to understand, and Louis let go of Harry and Zayn, knowing that they would look after one another, and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy’s waist and hugged him tight.

 “What took you so long?” Liam asked, coming to greet them in the doorway.

 “We weren’t that long, were we?” Louis asked, kissing the top of Niall’s head.

 Niall nodded against Louis’ chest.

 “You were gone nearly half an hour.” Liam told them. “We were worried. Niall wanted to come find you, he thought-.”

 But Liam cut himself off with a frown.

 ‘He thought  _she_  might have hurt you.’ Louis finished in his mind.

 Niall had been worried about  _them_.

 “We’re fine.” Louis quickly assured them both, choosing to tell a white lie instead of telling them how shaken they had been at the sight of Niall’s flat. “We just had to wait for Zayn to finish in the shower. You know how he is. Now come on, let’s get sat down and get them feet of yours looked at while Harry makes us all a cup of tea.”

 Louis didn’t know how he managed to stay so calm as he cleaned and plastered Niall and Liam’s feet, both having a few small cuts from the broken glass they had managed to stand on while wearing their flip flops, or during the interview with the police minutes later or even through the call he put through to management, explaining everything that had happened, that yes, they were all okay, a little shaken, and no, they didn’t want the press to know or to cancel their plans for tomorrow, that they needed something to keep them occupied.

 It might have had something to do with the way he never let Niall out of arms reach, always had another boy there with them to keep Niall doubly safe, or that he didn’t let his mind wander back to the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens that had terrified him so much earlier.

 When it finally came to bedtime after a dinner of oven cooked pizzas (and just plain toast for Niall, whose stomach didn’t seem to want to hold anything down that evening) Louis lent Niall a pair of pyjamas and the two of them crawled onto Louis’ double bed and curled up in the middle.

 Harry followed them minutes later after swapping his swimming trunks for a pair of boxers.

 Zayn wasn’t much longer, having gone back to his flat to change into pyjamas.

 When Liam finally joined them after a shower and a change of clothes there was barely any room left on the bed.

 He had only sighed and wormed his way into the mass of tangled limbs before dropping down on the mattress and willing sleep to come.  

 Louis held and comforted Niall all night, through each and every nightmare.

 Just as Zayn did with Harry.

 As Liam did with Zayn.

As Harry did with Liam.

 As Niall did with Louis.  

-

 Nobody slept well that night and when their alarm went off five identical groans of frustration and exhaustion filled the room.

 “What time is it?” Liam whispered, his words slurred and thick.

 “Too early.” Harry moaned back.

 Louis sighed, “am I going to have to be the responsible one this morning?”

 When no one replied he started poking the mess of bodies around him, not quite certain what belonged to who, “time to get up, my pretties, it’s time to shower and shave and get dressed and all those other things we so love to do.”

 “You might need to shower,” Zayn said, not moving or opening his eyes, “but some of us did it last night. Let us sleep.”

 “You still need to do your hair.” Louis reminded him, running fingers through Zayn’s wispy locks. “It’s all fluffy!”

 “Why are you so perky this morning?” Liam asked with a groan, not understanding the eldest’s cheery mood after the night they had all had.

 “I’m always perky but that’s beside the point.” Louis said, ignoring Harry’s muffled snort, as he extracted himself from the bed, eliciting pained moans and soft sighs as he elbowed and kicked his way free, “I had an idea last night.”

 He went to his wardrobe and began pulling out some of his striped t-shirts, eyeing them critically while mumbling to himself, before putting some back and removing others.

 “What are you doing?” Zayn asked, cracking open an eye.

  Louis, finally happy with his choice, moved to his chest of drawers in search of trousers and braces, “I’m trying to find an outfit that just screams Louis Tomlinson.”

 “Why?” Harry asked.

 “So everyone will know exactly whose clothes Niall is wearing.” Louis explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

 “Why would he want to do that?” Liam frowned. “I thought we agreed we were going to try and keep yesterday quiet.”

 “We are.” Louis shrugged. “But you know how eagle-eyed the fans are. If they see Niall in a t-shirt or a hoodie that they’ve seen someone else in then they’re going to start asking questions. Or assume that he’s sleeping with someone else in the band.”

 Liam coughed uncomfortably at this and Niall blushed bright red and refused to look in Louis’ direction.

 ‘Interesting,’ Louis thought and filed it away for later use.

 “And how is dressing him exactly like you going to throw them off?” Zayn asked, both eyes open now.

 “Because we’re all going to dress like each other for the day. Give the fans something to talk about.” Louis said, smiling brightly. “Niall doesn’t have any of his own clothes anymore so we’re going to cover that up by none of us wearing our own clothes. There’s nothing better than hiding something that’s in plain sight.”

 “Sometimes,” Harry said, wriggling his way off of the bed, “I think you’re a genius.”

 “Only sometimes?” Louis pouted before explaining who was going to dress as who.

 He had obviously given the matter some thought.

 “Well, I suppose we better go and get ready then.” Liam said. “Come on, Niall, you can use my shower.”

 Niall nodded and rose obediently from the bed, looking pale and exhausted and shaking from the tiny tremors that wracked his whole body.

 Louis gave him a sad smile when he handed the pile of clothes over and vowed to get the Irish boy to eat something before they left for their interview.

 He then injected a cheer into his voice that he wasn’t feeling and clapped his hands, “right, as much as I love you, you all need to leave. I need a shower.”

 -

 Niall tugged at the clothes and eyed himself in the mirror critically as he tried to decide what to do with his hair.

 He had thought about trying to imitate Louis’ hairstyle but his own hair just wasn’t long enough.

 He pulled at it and brushed it this way and that before finally putting a bit of wax on the end of his fingers and dragging them forwards through his hair so that his fringe now hung over his eyes in the loosest interpretation of Louis’ hair imaginable.

 It was kind of the older boy to suggest that they do this, to make what had happened last night into something that they could have fun with instead of letting it hang over them for the whole day like a storm cloud waiting to burst into rain.

 It made wearing someone else’s clothes easier, made him feel more confident, like they all wouldn’t be staring at him, questions ready on their lips ( _how are you coping? Are you ready to crack? Are we going to catch it on camera? Please, show us how much you’re hurting! We’ll keep on pushing you until you do!)_ , and quietly judging him.

 He understood the looks the fans gave him, so full of pity and sadness and uncertainty, and he knew why they wouldn’t touch him anymore.

 And he was grateful to them, he was, so much, because he really didn’t think he could cope with their hands touching him, grabbing him, pulling him…

 No.

 He was glad that they wouldn’t touch him but he wasn’t stupid. He knew it was more than just simple courtesy.

 They thought he was going to break.

 And maybe he was?

 He was just so  _tired_.

 He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept for longer than an hour without waking up screaming. He could see the sleepless nights reflected clearly on his face in the bruise-like shadows under his eyes and the frown his face always seemed to be pulled into.

 He wanted all of this to be over. To just finally get on with his life, to not think about _her_ , what s _he_ might be doing, what  _she_  might have planned, but after what had happened the night before he knew she wasn’t going to give up.

 Not until the police caught her.

 Not until he quit the band.

 Not until she killed him.

 A sudden swell of dizziness had him grasping at the sink and clenching his eyes shut.

 He let out a groan and willed the moment to pass.

 There was a knock on the door, “Niall? Are you ready to go?”

 ‘Give me a minute,’ he wanted to say, ‘I’ll be right out.’

 But he didn’t open his mouth, didn’t say anything at all, knowing that might be enough to push him over the edge and make him be sick.

 “Niall?” Liam tried again.

 Then it was over and Niall let out a shaky breath.

 It wasn’t a good omen for the day if he was already having dizzy spells as bad as that one.

 He let out another shaky breath and gave himself one final look over in the mirror before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out into Liam’s living room.

 “You were in there a long time.” Liam said, giving him a worried look.

 Niall shrugged and let Liam pull him into a hug.

 “It’s going to be a long day.” Liam told him with a sigh. “I, just- well…you’d tell me if you weren’t feeling well, wouldn’t you?”

 Niall nodded and tried not to feel too bad about his lie.

  “I promise I’ll be there for you whatever happens.” Liam smiled and pulled him into a short kiss, “I love you so much, Niall.”

 Niall kissed him again and repeated the words, meaning them more than he had meant anything else in his life.

 It was still so surreal, that Liam loved him, had kissed him, and Niall wasn’t quite sure if it had all sunken in yet.

 Liam made him so happy, made everything so much better, made him think that all the bad things that were happening really weren’t that bad at all.

 That’d he’d survive. That he’d get through this.  

 Niall knew that it was only because of Liam that he hadn’t broken down last night, though, he had been close.

 Especially when Zayn, Louis and Harry had taken so long in coming back and his thoughts had strayed into the dark…

 The older boy gave him something to hold onto, to trust in and to believe, and he loved him for it.

 As his best friend.

 And now as was something more.

 “Niall?” Liam whispered.

 Niall blinked up at him and gave him a small smile.

 “We should really go.”

 Niall nodded and finally took in what Liam was wearing. His smile turned into a large grin.

 Apart from his hair, he had the Zayn look down perfect. A borrowed varsity jacket over a plain white t-shirt and beige cargo trousers. He looked good. He looked really good.

 Niall told him so and laughed at the blush that rose in Liam’s cheeks, though, Niall thought, the boy looked pleased at the compliment.

 “Oh, shush, you, now out. We’re going to be seriously late.”

 They met Zayn in the corridor outside Harry and Louis’ flat.

 “You managed to find a cardigan then?” Liam asked.

 Zayn nodded, “yeah. I don’t make a half bad Niall, do I?”

 Niall couldn’t help but agree.

 Zayn wore a tight, white polo t-shirt, buttons done all the way to the top, a pale grey cardigan and black skinny jeans with white supras to finish the look. The older boy had even forgone his usual quiff and had attempted Niall’s usual way of styling his hair.

 “You look really good.” Liam told him with a smile.

 Harry and Louis made an appearance then, both wearing wide grins on their faces.

 “Well, what do you think?” Harry asked, adjusting his collar. “I look awesome, right?”

 The clothes were all a little too big for Harry’s slender frame but Niall thought he had pulled off Liam quite well in dress pants, white shirt and a waistcoat. He had even straightened his curls out and had tried to brush it forwards into an imitation of Liam’s old Bieber haircut.

 There was something missing, though, Niall didn’t realise what it was until Liam presented the youngest with a handkerchief to put in his top pocket.

 “Thanks, man.” Harry said.

 “And what about me?” Louis asked, striking an extravagant pose.

 “Yeah, you look alright.” Zayn said with a cheeky grin. 

 “Alright? Are you  _joking_  me?” Louis asked in mock outrage. “I look like sex on legs!”

 Niall had to admit that Louis did look rather hot in skin-tight jeans and a v-neck t-shirt that showed his collarbones with Harry’s favourite blazer thrown on over the top.

 And the way that Louis carried himself, so full of confidence, as if he  _knew_ just how mind-blowingly sexy he was…

 “Yes, you look very fit.” Liam told him, rolling his eyes. “But we’re late, the car’ll be outside already.”

 “Just a second.” Louis said and he practically skipped over to Niall, suddenly back to the old Louis, and adjusted the braces on the younger boy’s shoulders. “Niall, love, you look adorable but I’m warning you now: braces are my thing. I will fight you for them.”

 Niall shook his head at him and assured him that he’d lay off the braces.

 “Good boy.” Louis patted him on the cheek with one hand and pulled a slice of unbuttered toast from his blazer pocket with the other and handed it to him without a word before turning to face the rest of the group, “I feel I should give a speech at this momentous occasion. Well, I’m not going to. Instead I’ll just say this: I am a genius. There’s no way anyone is going to catch on.”

 But it was obvious to them the minute they stepped out into the cool morning air that someone had let word slip.

 There were paparazzi everywhere, shoving cameras in their faces and screaming and shouting questions that had to do with  _her_  and the words  _she_  had said over and over.

 They knew.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

 Liam’s phone rang within seconds of them piling into the car.

 “It’s management.” He said, glancing at the caller ID before answering the phone.

 “How do they know?” Harry asked. “Someone must have told them!”

 “One of security, maybe.” Zayn suggested but they all felt strangely repulsed by the idea.

 Security had been hired to keep them safe and they all trusted them, even the newer guys, and got along with them all really well. Surely one of them wouldn’t betray them like that?

 “You’re kidding.” Liam said suddenly and they all watched his face drain of colour. “Where? When?”

 Niall sagged against Harry’s side, suddenly unable to keep his body upright, and the younger boy pulled him close, “are you alright, Nialler?”

 Niall shook his head.

 He was stuck in a nightmare.

 “Have you eaten that toast I gave you?” Louis asked him.

 Niall wasn’t even aware that he still held it tightly in his hand until Harry lifted his limp arm from between the crush of their bodies and said, “I don’t think it’s quite edible anymore.”

 “Guys…” Liam said, slowly, attracting their attention as he fiddled with his phone in his hands, “something has happened.”

 “I think we realised that.” Louis’ words were sharp.

 Liam ignored him, “the death threats are all over the papers and the internet because, well, there’s been another one. Management started getting calls from journalists about 3am- asking about what’s been going on, for how long, why hadn’t we told anyone, that sort of thing- and they denied that anything was even happening because, you know, we had told them that we wanted to keep it a secret and-.”

 “You’re rambling.” Zayn cut him off.

 “Sorry.” Liam said and rubbed at his eyes. “ _She_  left a message at the radio station. Painted it in red, just like Niall’s flat, straight onto the wall for everyone to see. They found it when the fans started turning up.”

 “So nobody knows about what happened last night?” Harry asked with a frown.

 “No.” Liam said. “Just this message.”

 “What are we going to do?” Zayn asked.

 “What did management say?” Louis questioned the younger boy.

 “Admit that it’s happening but to play it down, as if it isn’t a big deal.” Liam replied. “I don’t know how the hell they expect us to do that.”

 “Can’t we cancel the interview?” Harry asked.

 Liam shook his head, “unfortunately, no. That’d just draw more attention.”

 “What did you say, Niall?” Harry asked, leaning closer to the smaller boy.

 His eyes widened and he swore before shouting, “stop the car!”

 The car had barely pulled over, never mind stopped, before Harry was flinging the door open and pushing Niall’s head out into the fresh air just as he started to retch.

 Having not eaten much the night before and nothing this morning, only water and bile passed his lips until there was nothing left. It took a while for his body to come to this realisation, though, and he continued to dry heave for minutes afterwards.

 He was exhausted and his body shook but the dizziness had left him and he felt better.

 “You done?” Harry asked.

 He nodded and Harry pulled him back into the car by the back of his, Louis’, t-shirt. He let himself fall against the younger boy and didn’t fight him when Harry wiped away the saliva that clung to his chin.

 “Bloody hell, Niall.” Zayn breathed.

 “You look like shit.” Louis told him.

 Liam’s face was creased with concern and he put a hand to Niall’s forehead, “you feel warm. You don’t think you’re coming down with something, do you?”

 Niall shook his head, sluggishly, resisting the urge to lean into Liam’s touch. He explained that he was tired, that he’d had a bad dizzy spell, but he was okay.

 “I don’t know…” Liam sounded like he didn’t quite believe him. “Maybe I, er, one of us should take you home, make sure you get some sleep?”

 Niall wanted to go home, he did, but he didn’t have a home anymore.

  _She_  had been there.

 In his space, looking at his photos, touching his things.

  _Destroying everything._

 No, he didn’t have a home anymore.

 He didn’t even have his own clothes.

 His laptop had been smashed and his wallet and phone were missing.

 Anything even remotely salvageable was hidden away behind police tape, being handled and scrutinised by strangers. He’d probably never get any of it back.

 He didn’t know if he wanted any of it.

 He didn’t know if he even wanted to step foot back into what had been his home.

 His sanctuary. 

 He didn’t think he could ever feel safe in there again.

 “Niall?” Harry whispered.

 Niall jumped, aware that he had zoned out and now all the other boys were looking at him with worry as clear as day on their faces.

 He forced himself to smile and promised them that he was okay.

 “We’ll get you something to eat once we get inside.” Louis said. “That might help with the dizziness.”

 Niall nodded and accepted the piece of gum that Zayn offered him.

 Liam reached over to him and took one of his hands in both of his and said, “if you need a break, if you need anything, then all you have to do is say, okay? Don’t push yourself, we don’t want to see you get hurt.”

 Niall nodded again and then they were there.

 There were hundreds of fans, perhaps more than a thousand, and the police had been called to try and keep them under control. They packed the streets all around the radio station, blocking off all traffic, and were screaming and chanting so loudly that the boys had been able to hear the noise they had been making from a couple of streets away.

 “This is crazy.” Louis breathed.

 The car inched through the crowd as police and members of security cleared a path for them and all the fans that could get close enough banged on the windows and held up signs for them to read.

 “I think they’re here for you, Niall.” Harry said, peering out of the window. “Can you hear them?”

 He nodded because the words ‘we love Niall’ were filling the car and it might have warmed his heart if it wasn’t frightening him so much.

 There were so many of them, pressing against the car, making so much noise, and they were going swarm them the moment they had to get out. They were going to crush him, steal the air from his lungs and he wasn’t going to be able to move, he wasn’t going to be able to escape…

 The air inside the car was suddenly thick and he struggled to get enough.

 “Shit, come on, Niall, it’s alright.” Liam said and he gave the hand he still held a strong, almost painful squeeze. “We’ll keep you safe, you’ll be alright.”

 Niall shook his head and tried to pull his hand free but Liam wouldn’t let him.

 He was stuck and Harry’s arm around his shoulders was too heavy and it was all becoming too much.

 Then the car stopped and security pulled the door open and the sound of screaming overwhelmed them.

 Zayn and Louis were the first ones out of the car and the screaming got louder, if that was even possible.

 Niall couldn’t move.

 He couldn’t think.

 He couldn’t do anything.

 Harry and Liam tugged at him and ended up dragging his stiff body from the car when he didn’t respond.

 Liam held him from behind, wrapping strong arms around his waist, and Harry took Niall’s arms and wrapped them around his own neck, holding onto the smaller boy’s hands and squeezing them tight, as he sandwiched the Irish boy between them.

 Security and police surrounded them, warding off stray hands and cameras, and they started to move forwards through the crowd.

 Niall couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t get his legs to work but he was moving, floating, and they were getting closer and closer to the door.

 Then he saw  _it_.

 Huge red letters staining the wall.

  _This is your last chance, Niall. Quit the band or I will kill you._

 And he clenched his eyes shut because suddenly all the faces around him were  _hers_ , so cruel and angry and they wanted to kill him.

 He was going to die!

 He needed to get away, to go somewhere safe…

 He started to struggle, to kick and fight against the arms that held him, no longer recognising that they belonged to friends, but he couldn’t get free, he wasn’t strong enough, and they just held him tighter.

 Then the noise quietened until there was only one voice screaming and it was his but he wouldn’t stop, couldn’t stop, until he was free.

 The bodies that had been holding his own let go and stepped out of his space and he fell to the ground, his legs shaking too much to support his weight, and he gasped and cried with joy as air once again reached his lungs.

 He had made it.

-

_“It’s that moment girls up and down the country have been waiting for, the world’s biggest boy band is here with me in the studio. Good morning, One Direction!”_

_Three voices chorus back, “good morning!”_

_“Well, ladies and gentlemen, I tell a lie. We’re down a couple of members at the moment but they’ll be joining us in a few minutes once they’ve sorted themselves out. But everyone’s okay, aren’t they?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, we’re all fine. Lou’s just taken Niall for a bit of a lie down but they’ll be back soon.”_

_“Another panic attack?”_

_“Yeah but he’ll be alright, he just needs a bit of time.”_

_“And a strong cup of tea.”_

_“Maybe something to eat, too.”_

_The presenter takes control again, “there are maybe a thousand girls outside the studio right now, even I was worried about getting into work this morning. I’ve never seen anything like it. Were you guys shocked by the number of fans waiting for you here this morning?”_

_“Definitely, it’s unbelievable!”_

_“And they’re all here to support Niall, it’s just amazing really.”_

_“I know he’ll say this himself when he gets here but he’s so thankful for all the fans’ support.”_

_“Yeah, you guys have been amazing! We love you all so much right now!”_

_“I actually want to talk about Niall before he gets back. How is he doing? Obviously he’s still recovering from what happened in May and then this morning fans found a death threat painted on the wall of the studios here and the story has blown up. It’s all over the newspapers and the internet so I’ve got to ask, how long have they been going on? And how seriously are you taking them? Are the police involved?”_

_A pause._

_Three softs sighs._

_“There have been a few before this one but we’re not taking them too seriously. We’ve spoken to the police about it but we’re not too concerned, you know? It’s just one person-.”_

_Another voice breaks in, “one crazy_ , crazy _person.”_

_“- and Niall knows not to take it to heart. How can he when we have fans like those stood outside?”_

_“Are you considering the possibility that the person sending these death threats could be the same person who hurt Niall in May?”_

_“We’ve not really spoken about it.”_

_A lie._

_“Yeah, there’s no point talking about those kind of things, not when there are so many good things happening right now. I mean, Niall’s getting better and we’re all still here together, doing what we love to do.”_

_“Did it ever cross your mind that you might never have the chance to be together and do stuff like this again?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“The first few weeks after_ it _happened, yeah, all the time. He had been so close, you know?”_

_“But he’s better now. We’re looking after him.”_

_A pause._

_“Ah, perfect timing. Louis and Niall have joined us!”_

_Muffled noise and quiet voices._

_“Hiya!”_

_“You’re perky this morning, Louis.”_

_“Why does everyone keep saying that? I’m always in a good mood!”_

_“Right, boys, there’s something that I have to discuss with you.”_

_A sudden, tense silence._

_“What’s with the outfit choices this morning?”_

_Relieved laughter._

_“For everyone at home, it appears the boys have decided to dress up as one another today. Whose idea was it and why?”_

_“Louis’!”_

_“Yes, yes it was my idea. I’ll admit to the genius of it.”_

_“But why?”_

_“Why not? Don’t you think we all look rather fetching?”_

_A laugh._

_“Personally, I think I make a better Harry than he does.”_

_“And just for all the listeners, mind telling us who you all are? Louis’ already told us that he’s Harry.”_

_“I’m Zayn for the day.”_

_“I’m Liam.”_

_“I’m Niall.”_

_“And Niall’s me.”_

_“And what do you think about each other’s styles? Anyone planning on stealing any outfit ideas?”_

_“I’ve already warned Niall off my braces.”_

_“Anyone else?”_

_“I don’t know. I quite like wearing a waistcoat, makes me feel dapper.”_

_“Dapper? Are you for real, man?”_

_More laughter._

_“And there’ll be more from the One Direction boys after this track from Adele, stay tuned!”_

 -

Straight from the radio interview they were taken to another building in central London where they were bundled into a room with comfy chairs and a table full of bottles of water and finger foods.

 The other boys made sure that Niall always had a bottle of water to hand and that he didn’t go longer than 15 minutes without having something to eat as the rest of their day was filled with interview after interview for various magazines and websites from around the world.

 Their last one finished just after six o’clock and Louis insisted that they all went out for something to eat before they hit the shops to pick up some new clothes for Niall.

 Niall had tried to protest because he so was tired and he didn’t have access to any of his money at the moment but Louis just waved him off and told him he needed new clothes and that was the end of that.

 At the end of the meal, in which he had spent nearly the whole time on his phone, Liam left, claiming he had to do something back at his flat and that he’d see them all back there later, and the other boys let him go without too much of a fuss.

 Louis because he was already compiling a list of all the things they’d need and all the shops they’d have to visit, Harry because he was too involved with Louis’ planning, Zayn because he was distracted with paying the bill  _again_  and Niall because…because he didn’t want to ruin what he had with Liam by acting too clingy and demanding.

 He didn’t want to make Liam angry with him.

 They ended up going to one of the big shopping centres, one with late night shopping, with their huge amounts of security following them around like shadows.

 They had fun, going from shop to shop, and just generally acting like the teenage boys they were and never really got chance to be. Niall even found himself giggling at Louis’ terrible jokes and cracking even worse ones just to make the others laugh, just like he had once done those few short months ago, and it felt good.

 There were a few fans about and, in their high spirits, the boys posed for photographs and gave autographs when asked. The fans were mostly happy to just watch them from a distance, though, filming them and taking pictures and generally letting the boys get on with their shopping.

 And, for all of Louis’ planning, he forgot what they needed to get and became distracted by getting the others, and especially Niall, to try on increasingly ridiculous outfits while laughing manically and snapping photos of them with his phone.

 They were happy to play along, to pretend that everything that had happened that morning, had happened the night before, was just a bad dream, something that they had just imagined, something that didn’t really affect them at all.

 Then the paparazzi turned up and started hounding them for answers over the death threats and Niall had a dizzy spell so strong that he was left clinging desperately to Zayn, willing himself not to pass out, and the boys decided to finish quickly and head home.

 It was a slightly sour ending to what had been such a good evening and Harry had been desperate for it to not end there.

 “Let’s watch a movie.” He said as they squeezed through the doorway of his and Louis’ flat. “Or play a game or something.”

 Louis dumped the bags he was carrying next to the coffee table in the living room and the other boys followed suit, “we haven’t played the x-box in a while.”

 “A while as in two days.” Zayn joked, bouncing down onto the sofa. “I think a film is a great idea. I don’t know if I’m up for much else, I’m pretty tired.”

 Niall agreed and asked if they could watch Grease.

 Three voices immediately shouted, “no!”

 Niall pouted but didn’t push the issue. They had watched that film so often the last two months he was pretty sure the whole band knew it word for word. Maybe they ought to give a performance of the film for the fans, he was sure they’d enjoy it.

 That and Louis would make an awesome Sandy.

 He snorted and ended up laughing to himself at the image of Louis in a blonde wig and skin tight lycra, not doubting for a moment that the older boy could pull it off.

 “What are you laughing about?” Louis asked him and Niall couldn’t help but laugh harder.

 “I think he’s lost it.” Harry said but he was grinning just because Niall was so happy.

 “What about Ice Age?” Zayn suggested. “We haven’t watched that in a long time.”

 “Do you have it?” Louis asked, seeming to like the idea.

 “Liam does.” Zayn told him. “We should probably go get him anyway.”

 Niall volunteered to go get their missing band mate and the others let him go, knowing he would be safe. They had all seen the police at the door to their complex, not letting anyone in without ID, and the member of security that was posted at the end of their hallway.

 Niall grinned to himself as he made his way down the hall. He couldn’t wait to see Liam again, even if it had only been a few hours since they had last seen each other, and he wondered if might be able to sneak a kiss from him before they re-joined everyone else.

 He didn’t knock on the door, nobody ever knocked and he knew that Liam would be in, and just let himself in.

 He stopped when he caught sight of Liam on the sofa, the older boy’s name dying on his lips as his breath rushed out of him in a quiet ‘oh’.

 Because Liam wasn’t alone.

 Danielle was there.

 She had her hands in his hair and he was cupping her face and they were kissing.

_They were kissing._

Niall let out another ‘oh’, louder this time, and felt his heart break.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

 Liam broke the kiss, his hands dropping to his sides as if he had been burned, and turned wide eyes on the person stood at the entrance to his living room.

 “Niall-.” He started but the Irish boy didn’t let him get any further before turning and fleeing from the flat.

 Niall wanted to get away, to find somewhere and hide and pretend that he had never seen Liam kissing Danielle.

 Pretend Liam had never lied to him.

 That he wasn’t hurting so  _fucking_  much.

 That his heart hadn’t shattered into a million pieces at the sight of them together.

 Because Liam had told him he loved him. He had kissed him. Promised him he’d be there for him.

 And Niall had believed him.

 Trusted him.

 He pulled the police tape down that should have kept him out of his flat and stormed into the dark, suddenly so full of anger that he hit and kicked out at anything that he came into contact with.

 Why had Liam done this to him?

 Why had Niall been so gullible? Why had he believed the other boy? Let himself fall so hard for him?

 He loved Liam.

 _Loved him_.

 Didn’t Liam love him back?

 Had he only said those three words out of pity?

 Thinking that the only way to keep Niall from breaking was to pretend he loved him, pretend to care for him, while he continued to date Danielle behind his back.

 The anger suddenly flooded out of him and he sank to his knees and sobbed.

 Had the other boys known Liam’s plan? Asked him to do it? Had they laughed at him when Liam told them about their kiss? How happy it had made him?

 ‘Poor, pathetic Nialler.’ They must have thought. ‘Did he actually think that someone as perfect as Liam could fall in love with  _him_? Hadn’t he seen himself? Who could ever love _that_?’  

 He banged his fists against the floor before tangling his fingers in his hair and pulling as hard as he could, knowing he needed the pain it caused. Knowing he deserved it.

 He had been so stupid!

  _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

 Then hands were prying his fingers loose and pulling him against a warm chest and he let himself be held, suddenly so exhausted and empty. 

 He thought the other person was laughing at him but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.

 ‘Let them laugh.’ He thought. ‘I deserve it for being such a fool. Who could ever love me?’

 But the other person wasn’t laughing, they were crying.

 Hot, angry tears that burned their way down their face and left their whole body shaking from barely concealed rage.

Niall might have realised that if he had just opened his eyes, just let himself believe that someone still cared about him. But he didn’t. He couldn’t.

 The hopelessness and despair that he felt swallowed him whole and left no room for anything else.

 He let the other person lift him and carry him without complaint. He didn’t care where they were going, what the other person wanted from him, what they would do once they reached their destination.

 He just didn’t care.

 All he wanted was for the other person to stop laughing at him.

 They didn’t. 

 They must have made it to wherever they were going because he was suddenly he was being lowered onto something soft and the laughter quieted as the other person moved away.

 New hands were on him now. They stroked his hair and patted his face and a voice spoke to him but he didn’t understand the words. He didn’t think he even tried. He let them wash over him and pretended that they didn’t sound angry, didn’t tell him he was _stupid, stupid, stupid_.

 There were other voices, too, and they were loud and angry and he was sure they were shouting at him.

 He didn’t listen. He knew what they were saying.

 ‘How could you believe that Liam actually loved you?’

 ‘Don’t you know how pathetic you are?’

 ‘Why are we friends with someone like  _you_?’

 He let himself drift.

 He didn’t notice when exhaustion finally claimed him.

-

 Liam knew he had messed everything up.

 The instant he had seen Niall stood there looking so hurt, so  _broken_ , he had known.

 He hadn’t gone after him.

 He had been too scared to.

 Instead he had said his goodbyes to Danielle and let her walk out of his life because that had been it for them. One last kiss and their near two year relationship had been over.

 But it had been too late.

 He had been too late.

 He had given himself a few minutes to think over what had happened, to be angry at himself, at Niall (why hadn’t he knocked?), before he had finally worked up the courage to go to Louis and Harry’s flat and face the music.

 But he had only been greeted warmly by the three other boys.

 “What took you so long?” Zayn asked. “And where’s the DVD?”

 “Where’s Niall?” Liam ignored Zayn’s questions.

 “Isn’t he with you?” Harry sat up on the sofa, looking concerned.

 Liam shook his head and tried to keep the panic he was feeling at bay, “no, we- I, I did something terrible.”

 And he told them everything. From his and Niall’s first kiss until a few minutes ago when Niall had walked in on him and Danielle.

 “Oh,  _fuck_.” Louis breathed. “We need to find him.”

 “I’ll check along the corridor.” Harry said. “Louis, Zayn- you go talk to security, see if they know where he is. He can’t have gotten far.”

 “And what about me?” Liam asked.

 “You stay here.” Harry all but snarled at him. “I think you’ve done enough damage, don’t you?”

 So, Liam waited.

 Louis and Zayn were the first ones back, “security said that they haven’t seen him.”

 Liam buried his head in his hands but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say.

 “You’re such a fucking idiot!” Louis shouted, rounding on the older boy, unable to keep his anger at bay any longer. “Do you know how much he loves you?”

 Liam let Louis shout at him. He deserved it.

 “This is going to break him, you know that?” Louis continued. “He trusted you and now you’ve just thrown that back in his face!”

 “I know.” Liam whispered. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

 Zayn glared at him, “did you even stop to think? That maybe what you were doing was going to end in someone getting hurt?”

 “Things with Niall just  _happened_. I didn’t plan for us to kiss when we did-.” Liam tried to explain as tears welled in his eyes. “I wanted to wait until I ended things with Danielle but then I could never work up the courage and now-.”

 “Now you’ve fucked up.”

 Liam nodded and a suffocating silence fell over them while they waited for Harry to return.

 Minutes later they heard someone struggling with the door and Louis raced towards it and pulled it open.

 Harry entered with Niall clutched against his chest, the smaller boy’s head lolling against the youngest’s shoulder as if he was asleep or completely out of it, and Harry’s face was red and stained with tears.

 He let Louis lead him through to his bedroom before he returned to the living room, now empty handed, marched up to Liam and punched him in the face.

 “You bastard!” Harry shouted and swung at him again.

 Liam jerked away from Harry’s fist, “I know- I’ve messed up!”

 “Messed up?” Harry barked out a short, angry laugh. “If only! You’ve majorly screwed him over, you prick! Do you know where I found him?”

 Liam shook his head and refused to meet Harry’s gaze, “no.”

 “On the floor in his fucking flat: crying his eyes out.” Harry pushed him this time. “Never- not even when he was in the hospital or when  _she_  was threatening him- have I seen him so upset! And do you know what he was saying? Over and over?”

 Tears dripped down Liam’s cheeks, “no.”

 “’Who could ever love me?’” Harry swung again and this time Liam didn’t move out of his way. “Can you fucking believe that? After everything we’ve done, everything we’ve said to try and build him back up again- one action, one stupid thing, and you’ve ripped it all to shreds.”

 Zayn grabbed Harry’s arm before the younger boy could hit Liam again, “Harry…”

 “No!” Harry wrenched his arm free from Zayn’s grip but he didn’t make a move to strike Liam again. “He loves you, Liam! Loves you more than anything, we could all see it on his face whenever he was around you, like the sun shone out of your fucking arse and he trusted you and you threw it all back in his face!”

 Liam didn’t try to cover his sobs.

“Why are you crying? What right do you have to cry?” Harry asked, furiously, ignoring the way his own breath hiccupped from the tears he shed. “You’ve broken him. I just know you have.”

 Then Harry seemed to collapse on himself and Zayn grabbed him and guided him to the sofa.

 “What if we lose him?” Harry asked. “What if he tries to hurt himself? Like last time? I don’t- I can’t…”

 Zayn wrapped his arms around Harry and whispered words to him that Liam couldn’t hear.

 He walked to Louis’ bedroom and paused on the threshold, not sure if he would be welcome.

 Louis glared at him from the bed, Niall pulled close to his chest as fingers stroked his hair.

 “How is he?” Liam asked, quietly.

 “He cried himself to sleep.” Louis’ voice was cold.

 Silence.

 “I never meant to hurt him.” Liam whispered.

 Something flickered in Louis’ gaze before the anger returned, “I think you should leave.”

 Liam let out another sob and left.

-

Zayn didn’t know what to do or how to feel. He had never been good at fights or falling out, preferring to leave the drama to those who were better at it, and this sudden, huge rift that had engulfed the band left him confused and unsure.

 He knew he was meant to be angry with Liam and he was because what Liam had done was almost unforgiveable.

 More than just physically or with words said in the heat of the moment, he had hurt Niall.

 Niall who was so sweet and trusting, who had already been hurt so much, who was struggling to put his life back together after everything that had happened to him, was _still_  happening to him.

 Niall who was their little brother, the baby of the band, even if Harry was technically younger, the one they had all felt protective over, even before  _her_ , and teased and cuddled.

 Niall who would never be the same again.

 What had happened had stripped them all of the innocence, their love of the world, but nobody had been changed by  _her_  actions more than Niall. And Zayn understood because _he had nearly died_  and God knows how difficult that was to come to terms with but that didn’t mean he didn’t wish the old Niall was still with them.

 Because, sometimes, just sometimes, they got glimpses of him.

 Like when they had had that race in the BBC studios or when they had gone swimming or while they had been shopping, trying on all those ridiculous outfits.

 Zayn lived for those moments because then he could pretend that everything was back to normal, that Niall had never been hurt, that Niall didn’t have a psycho bitch threatening him, that they were happy and living the dream. That this was all some nightmare that would be forgotten within minutes of waking.

 And Niall had been doing better over the last couple of days, even with the dizzy spells and the panic attacks and the nightmares that left him screaming, and Zayn had let himself hope.

 Now Liam had destroyed that.

 All the love and time they had put into Niall, building him back up brick by brick into someone who knew he was loved, could love back, someone who had the strength to get through this, who would laugh and smile and once again brave the world that had been so cruel to him.

 It was all for nothing, Zayn knew that now.

 Had seen it in Niall’s blank stare, had heard it in his screams, had felt it in his heart when Niall had flinched away from his touch.

 But, despite all that, he couldn’t make himself hate Liam or even be as angry with him as Harry and Louis were.

 Because Liam hadn’t meant to hurt Niall, he wouldn’t. He loved the Irish boy too much for that.

 What had happened hadn’t been deliberate and Zayn understood that Liam had been trying his best to keep from hurting both Niall and Danielle and that he had never meant to lie to Niall but, yeah, these things happened sometimes. When life moved too quickly for you to think, to reason, and all you had was the chance to act.

 Yeah, Zayn understood that well.

What had happened had been unlucky more than anything.

 If they had been 10 minutes later getting home or if they had decided to watch one of Harry and Louis’ DVDs then Liam might have been able to get away with it. Niall would have never known unless Liam had told him (which Zayn was sure he would eventually because Liam was that kind of guy) and they could have continued down the path of healing.                

 But that hadn’t happened and now they all had to deal with the consequences.

 That’s why Zayn was stood outside Liam’s door, working up the courage to finally knock and talk this through with the younger boy, tell him he hadn’t fallen out with him, that he was still there for him just like the brother he was, and that the others would come around eventually. Even Niall.

 “Zayn?” Liam looked shocked to see him. “What are you doing here? I thought-.”

 “Well, you thought wrong.” Zayn said. “Now, are you going to let me in?”

 Liam moved out of the doorway and Zayn followed him into his flat. They sat down on the sofa and Zayn winced when he saw the full extent of the damage Harry’s fists had left on the Wolverhampton boy’s face illuminated by the gentle morning sunshine streaming in through the window.

 “How is he?” Liam asked before Zayn had chance to speak.

 Zayn shrugged, “not good. He’s completely out of it, kind of like, well, like at the hospital, that first week after he woke up. But he has Louis and Harry with him, looking after him. He’ll be okay.”

 “How do you know?” Liam had tears in his eyes.

 “Because you’re going to fix it.” Zayn told him, simply.

 “How?”

 “Talk to him, tell him the truth and that you’re sorry that you hurt him. Tell him that you were only trying to do what was right by him and Danielle.” Zayn wrapped an arm around Liam’s shoulder. “Tell him you love him.”

 Liam collapsed against Zayn and the older boy held him tight while he sobbed.   

 “He’s not going to listen to me.”

 “He will.” Zayn promised. “However much he’s hurting he still loves you.”

 “And Louis and Harry? They hate me! They’ll never let me near him again!”

 “Leave that to me.” Zayn said. “I have an idea.”

-

Liam’s palms sweated as waited by the vending machines in the foyer of their complex close to three hours later.

Zayn had sent him a text telling him to meet him here and that he was bringing Niall with him.

 Liam heard them before he saw them, their trainers squeaking slightly on the tiled floor and Zayn’s soft voice echoing in the hallway, and he forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down.

 He couldn’t afford to ruin this.

 Niall froze when he saw him and Liam was pretty sure that whatever colour the pale boy had had drained away at the sight of him.

 “Hello, Niall.” Liam said, softly.

 “Come on, Nialler.” Zayn said, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy’s waist and dragging him towards Liam. “He just wants to talk. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go anywhere.”

 Niall stared at the damage to Liam’s face with wide eyes and he put a hand out to touch it before letting it drop to his side at the last second.

 Liam smiled at him, not caring how much it hurt, but he didn’t step any closer to the smaller boy. He would let Niall make all the moves. He didn’t want to push him.

 Niall didn’t say anything and the three of the stood in silence for what seemed like forever.

 Finally, Zayn spoke, “don’t you have something to say, Liam?”

 “Yes.” Liam said and took another deep breath. “Niall…I know I’ve hurt you. You trusted me and I lied to you, me and Danielle weren’t over like I said we were. I just panicked because we had kissed and I didn’t want to push you away, not when it finally seemed like we had the chance to be together.”

 He paused for a moment and studied Niall’s blank face.

 “We broke up last night. That’s what you saw. It was our last kiss.” Liam explained. “She knew we had been growing apart for a while now and we both agreed to end it. You were never meant to see, you were never meant to find out. I didn’t want to hurt you but by lying to you I’ve done just that.”

 Tears were welling in Niall’s dull blue eyes and Liam hated himself for putting them there.

 “I’m so sorry, Niall.” He whispered, his voice suddenly thick. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 Niall was shaking his head now, almost frantically, as if he didn’t want to hear what Liam had to say.

 “I’m sorry.” Liam repeated. “I love you.”

 Then Niall let out a wet sob, fought his way free of Zayn’s arm and ran down the flight of stairs to Liam’s left, brushing passed the older boy as he did so.

 Liam made a move as if to go after him but Zayn clamped a hand down on his forearm, “leave it, Liam. He needs some space.”

 “But what if-.”

 “He’s gone down into the basement.” Zayn said. “He’ll be okay. He just needs some time, some space to think…it’s not easy for him.”

 “Did I say the right thing?” Liam asked in a small voice, so full of uncertainty that it made Zayn’s heart hurt.

 “Yeah.” Zayn nodded and he tried to sound more certain than he felt. “It’s up to him now. Just don’t…don’t expect him to forgive you straight away, okay? He’s still so hurt and confused right now, I doubt even he knows what’s going on in his mind. But I think you’ll get there, eventually.”

 Liam gave Zayn a smile and pulled him into a hug, “thanks, man.”

 “What are brothers for?”  

 Liam opened his mouth to reply but the words died on his lips as a scream of pure terror reached them.

 “Niall.” The two boys whispered in unison, their eyes locking for a split second, before they both sprinted down the stairs to their band mate just as another scream filled the air.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Niall hadn’t known where he had been going, he had just known he had to get away.

Because what Liam had said, it wasn’t fair, and Niall was so confused.

Liam had lied to him, had admitted to it, but then he had apologised and told him that he loved him.

But that had been part of the lie, hadn’t it?

Liam had never loved him, Niall knew that now, how could he?

Niall wasn’t good enough for someone as perfect as Liam, everyone knew that. That’s why the other boys had spent the night before laughing at him and playing with his hair and smothering him with hugs that they didn’t mean.

‘ _Ugly, stupid, imperfect_.’ They had said. ‘ _Imperfect, stupid, ugly_.’

Over and over and over.

‘How could you ever believe that Liam had loved  _you_?’ They had crooned.

Niall had had no answer.

He still didn’t.

How had he let himself believe Liam?

He came to a stop in the changing room that stood between the swimming pool and the gym in the basement of their complex and he kicked out at one of the metal lockers in frustration.

It hurt and that was good. He needed it. He deserved it.

Then, from the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of movement and suddenly  _she_ was there, running at him with a knife.

He screamed and grabbed the blade in both of his hands to prevent  _her_  from stabbing him through the chest.

But she was so strong and he was so tired (he was always so tired!) and the burn of the blade as it cut through to the bone was making it hard to think.

“Why didn’t you quit?” She asked and he saw that she was crying. “Why are you making me do this?”

He let out another scream as she redoubled her efforts and pushed him back into the lockers, his head connecting with one of the doors with a  _crack_ , but he didn’t give up, he couldn’t.

He knew she was going to kill him if he did.

And if- if she killed him how was he going to be angry at Liam? Make him hurt just as much as he had made Niall hurt?

How was he going to forgive him?

How were they going to fall in love again and live happily ever after?

He vaguely thought that he must have hit his head harder than he realised but he couldn’t concentrate on that now. Not when the tip of the knife was digging into the skin above his wildly beating heart.

“I hate you.” The girl said. And that’s all she was really, being only maybe a couple of years older than Niall himself. “I hate you so much. This is all your fault!”

A sudden burst of strength had him pushing the blade to the side and twisting it savagely, making her hiss in pain and let go of the knife.

He let it drop to the floor and he kicked it away, just like he had seen people do in the movies, and she let out a howl of frustration and launched herself after the knife.

He tried to move after her but dizziness suddenly overwhelmed him and he found himself staggering into the lockers and dropping to his knees.

Then she was on him, pushing him onto his back on the cold concrete, and he knew in that second he was going to die.

She raised the blade up high above her head before bringing it down in one quick motion.

He closed his eyes and waited for the end.

It never came.

When Niall pried his eyes open the first thing he saw was Liam.

Liam who had his arms wrapped around  _her_  middle and was dragging her away as she kicked and screamed.

Zayn was there, too, and he took the knife from  _her_  hand and threw it as far away from them as possible.

The girl was screaming, “no! Liam, Zayn! You have to let me go, I’ve got to kill him- I’ve got to. For One Direction!”

“Shut up, you crazy bitch.” Zayn snapped and he pulled his phone from his pocket and phoned the police.

“NO!” She screeched and she started clawing at Liam’s arms but he didn’t let her go, not even when a flailing elbow caught him in the nose. “Please- I was so close! Don’t you know how much better off you’d be without him?”

Niall pushed himself up into a sitting position as heavy footsteps thundered towards them and he smiled, grimly.

It was nearly over.

A member of their security entered the changing room and his eyes widened in surprise at the scene.

“Where the hell have you been?” Zayn snapped, ending his phone conversation. “The police-.”

But he never got to finish his sentence as a burly fist caught him on the side of the face, knocking him out with one blow.

“What the fuck?” Liam asked and Niall saw that he looked frightened.

“Let her go.” The guard, Russ, Niall remembered, said.

He had been with them for the last five months, following them and keeping them safe. They had all trusted him and been nothing but friendly to him. He didn’t understand.

“What are you talking about? You just hit Zayn!” Liam shouted, backing away from the huge man and dragging the girl with him.

“Russ, you need to help me!” The girl screamed. “Please, baby, I love you!”

The man continued to advance on Liam until the Wolverhampton boy was backed into a corner with nowhere to go and something inside of Niall snapped.

He pushed himself to his feet and ran and jumped on the man’s back and began to hit and kick and pull and jab as the man cried out in pain.

“You little fucker!” The man yelled and he tried to shake Niall off his back but he wouldn’t let go.

“Help me, Russ!” The girl shrieked. “You need to kill him.”

“Are you insane?” Liam shouted but no one was listening to him.

He wanted to help Niall, he really did, but he couldn’t let go of the girl, knowing the moment that he did she’d be scrabbling for the knife.

Niall thrust his fingers into the man’s eyes and the huge man let out another cry of pain.

In desperation the man threw his body against the wall, crushing Niall between the solid muscle of his body and the concrete, and Niall’s head hit the wall with such a force that his vision dimmed and he slipped from the man’s back and onto the floor.

“Kill him!” The girl screamed. “Kill him!”

The man suddenly looked uneasy as he dragged a semiconscious Niall to his feet, “kill him? But you said that you never-.”

“Russ, please, baby.” She pleaded. “For me.”

Niall was half aware of what was happening as he was pulled out of the changing room and he was pretty sure he heard Liam shouting his name but he couldn’t be certain.

He tried to struggle against the man’s grip on his arm but his limbs were so heavy and he was just so tired that whatever he did made no difference to the man.

“I’m sorry, kid.” The man mumbled to him and suddenly Niall was flying through the air.

He didn’t understand what had happened until he tried to breathe and he got a lungful of water instead.

He had thrown him into the swimming pool.

He tried to kick his feet, to fight his way to the surface but he was just so  _weak_.

He felt himself sinking.

He swallowed another mouthful of water.

His body was so heavy!

His lungs burned.

His vision turned to black.

-

“What did you do?” Liam shouted, though, he already knew.

He had heard the splash of water, he knew Niall was drowning while he stood there doing nothing.

The girl laughed and clapped her hands, excitedly, having heard the same as Liam and he tightened his grip on her, a sudden burning hatred coursing through his veins.

The man gave the girl a bright smile and stepped towards her, planning on pulling her free.

Liam shook his head and wrapped an arm around the girl’s throat, choking her, “you step any closer and I’ll fucking kill her.”

Anger flared on the man’s face but he didn’t move.

The girl pulled at his arm and wheezed, “why are you doing this, Liam? I saved One Direction, can’t you see?”

“Saved it?” Liam bit out. “You’ve destroyed it.”

“No!  _He_ had to go!” She shouted, desperate for him to understand. “He was ruining the band with his stupid laugh, his ugly teeth, his voice! He was ruining you!”

Liam shook his head, “you’re insane.”

“No!” She screamed and then the room exploded into movement.

Police streamed into the room and the man, aware of how quickly the situation was falling apart, raised his hands in the air and sunk to his knees in defeat.

Liam pushed the girl at the closest police officer, not even telling them that she was the one they wanted, not even giving them a word of explanation, before he was running from the room and to the pool.

He dove into the blood tinted water and swam to the bottom of the pool, his heart thudding in his chest painfully hard, towards the motionless body that rested there.

‘I’m too late.’ He thought. ‘I’m too late.’

He grabbed Niall around the waist and pushed off from the tiled floor and they resurfaced with a loud splash and a gasp of air.

‘I’m too late.’ He thought again because Niall’s lips were blue and his chest was still.

A police officer helped pull Niall’s limp body from the water when Liam reached the edge of the swimming pool and he heaved himself up onto the floor beside his prone band mate.

“He’s not breathing.” Liam said.

“An ambulance is on its way.” The police officer assured him but Liam shook his head.

Niall didn’t have the time to wait for an ambulance.

Liam forced himself to calm down and he searched his brain for what he needed to do, how he could help Niall.

He knew this, he knew he did, it had been drilled into him in the first aid lessons he had been forced to take at school.

‘Check his pulse.’ A voice from somewhere in his head said.

He put two fingers against the jugular vein on Niall’s neck and waited for 10 seconds, hoping and praying that he’d feel some kind of movement.

Nothing.

He swore and started chest compressions, counting out loud as he did so.

Once he reached thirty he stopped and watched Niall’s chest to see if he was breathing.

It stayed stubbornly still.

“No!” Liam ground out, not even aware that he was crying. “Niall, no…”

He tilted the pale boy’s head back and pressed his lips over the Irish boy’s slack mouth and breathed into his lungs.

Niall’s chest rose and fell with Liam’s assistance but did nothing once Liam moved away.

“Niall, please, no…”

He started the chest compressions again and breathed into the smaller boy’s stationary body when he received no reaction.

Over and over he tried to resuscitate his best friend, the person he loved, but nothing he did seemed to have any effect.

His tears steadily dripped onto Niall’s deathly pale face and his arms ached but he refused to give up.

Niall couldn’t die.

He wouldn’t let him.

Because…because Liam loved him, he loved him so much, and he needed the other boy to know that.

The police officer crouched at his side and put a hand on Liam’s shoulder, “Son, you need to stop. He’s gone.”

“No!” Liam shouted and shrugged the man’s hand from him. “No, he can’t be.  _I love him_.”

He started to sob.

“I love him.” He repeated, as if that fact alone was enough.

He began the compressions again.

Then Zayn was there, tears running down his swollen and painful face, “stop, Liam, please…”

“I can’t.” Liam choked out. “I just can’t!”

Zayn shook his head and covered his face with his hands.

“I love him.” Liam whispered.

Why wasn’t that enough?

Then Niall’s body gave a lurch as the boy started to cough and splutter.

Liam rolled him onto his side and Niall heaved and retched as he tried to expel all the water he had swallowed.

“That’s it.” Liam said as he rubbed Niall’s back. “Get it all up.”

“He’s breathing.” Zayn murmured in shock because he had been so sure that they had lost him this time. “He’s alive.”

Liam was smiling now, even as the tears continued to run down his cheeks, and he helped Niall roll back onto his back once his lungs were free from water.

Dazed blue eyes locked eyes with his own and Liam smoothed away the dark hair that was plastered to too pale skin.

“Hey,” he breathed, not sure what else to say.

Niall’s eyes darted around the room and Liam could see the fear and panic that was starting to bubble inside him.

“It’s alright.” He said. “The police have got her, it’s over.”

Paramedics joined them then and Zayn pulled Liam to the side to give them room to work on their friend.

“You saved him.” Zayn said and he wrapped his arms around Liam and crushed their bodies together, not caring that Liam was soaked to the bone. “I thought he- but you didn’t stop. You fucking saved him.”

“I couldn’t give up.” Liam told him, simply.

“I know.”

“I was so scared, Zayn. I thought I had lost him. I thought I’d never get a chance to tell him-.” Liam began to sob again as all the terror he had felt came flooding back.

Zayn just held him tighter, “I know but he’s going to be okay. You’ll be able to tell him.”

“Do one of you guys want to ride with him?”One of the paramedics asked, breaking the moment the two boys were sharing.

“Go on.” Zayn said, “I’ll get Harry and Louis and we’ll meet you at the hospital.”

Liam smiled at the older boy gratefully and followed after the paramedics and the gurney with long, loping strides.

-

Liam was in the waiting room when Zayn, Louis and Harry arrived.

Louis marched straight up to him and hugged him, whispering, “Zayn told us what happened. Thank you.”

“You would have done the same.” Liam said.

Louis shook his head, “we probably would have given up long before you did.”

Liam didn’t say anything.

Louis pressed a quick kiss to his cheek and held him tight for another couple of seconds before letting go with another,“thank you.”

Harry approached him then and Liam tensed without knowing why.

“You saved him.” Harry said, slowly.

Liam nodded.

There was a pause.

“I’m not sorry for hitting you.”

“I deserved it.”

“You did.” Harry agreed

Then Harry jumped on him, wrapping his long limbs around Liam’s body, and mumbled, “you saved him. Thank you.”

Liam hugged him back and let himself laugh at Harry’s exuberance.

“What have the doctors said?” Zayn asked when Harry finally untangled himself from Liam.

“Not much.” The taller boy replied. “Just that he’s stable.”

Zayn handed him a carrier bag of dry clothes,“go get changed. Don’t want you catching a cold.”

“Yes, mother.” Liam said but he went and did as he was told.

When he returned he saw a doctor stood with his friends and he hurried over to join them.

“He’s awake.” Louis said.

“He’s asking for you.” Harry told him.

He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but Zayn cut him off.

“Go, we’ll wait.”

“Follow me.” The doctor said.

Niall was still pale and he looked washed out against the stark white sheets of the hospital bed but his lips had lost that blue tinge that had scared Liam so much.

“Hello.” Liam murmured as he approached the bed.

Niall’s eyes had been closed but they sprang open at the sound of Liam’s voice.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asked.

Niall gave a slight shrug of the shoulders and looked down at his heavily bandaged hands.

On the walk to the room the doctor had mentioned that Niall would need surgery to try and correct the damage that had been done to them.

“They’ll heal.” Liam said. “They might never the same as they were but they’ll get better.”

He sat on the chair next to the bed and let out a long sigh.

He didn’t know what to say.

Where to begin.

Niall cleared his throat and Liam looked up at him.

Their eyes met.

“I’m still angry at you.” Niall whispered, his voice hoarse. “But I love you, too.”

Liam couldn’t stop the smile that worked its way onto lips.

“I just- I’m not sure if I’m ready to forgive you yet.”

“That’s okay.” Liam told him.

And it was. It was better than he could have ever imagined.

“Soon.” Niall promised.

Liam nodded, “soon.”


	16. Epilogue

  _“It’s been a long time since we’ve heard anything from One Direction member Niall Horan but he’s kindly agreed to talk to us this morning about the events of the past year and also about One Direction’s new album and the tour which is due to start at the end of this month. First of all, I’d like to start off by saying what a pleasure it is to talk to you again, Niall. How are you doing, buddy?”_

_“Yeah, I’m not too bad. How are you?”_

_“I’m doing alright, thanks. What’s it like to be back?”_

_“It’s amazing, you know, this year has been so hard, like, but I’m so happy that the boys are back together and we’re making music again. Recording the album was so much fun.”_

_“And what have fans got to expect from this new album? The first single is getting its first play later today, isn’t that right?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’ve tried to keep the album upbeat and stuff but after everything that happened we couldn’t make the same kind of music as we did on the first album. It’s just that…Well, there are some fun songs and there are some that are a bit deeper, if you get me.”_

_“Are you going to be playing much from it during your tour?”_

_“We’re going to be doing a mix from ‘Up All Night’ and this one.”_

_“And are you ready for the tour?”_

_“Yeah, we’ve all been practicing like mad for a few weeks now. We’re all a bit nervous, like, but the fans have been so great, you know? They’ve been behind us every step of the way and been so understanding, giving us the space when we needed it, we just can’t wait to get out there and see them all again.”_

_“What about your hands? From the news reports we gathered that they had been injured in the second attack…”_

_A pause._

_“I’ve had to have a couple of operations on them and I’ve been working with a physiotherapist to get some movement back in them. They’re not good but they’re better. I can dress myself properly now and gripping things is a lot better but I’m always dropping things. I dropped a glass of orange juice on Harry yesterday. He wasn’t too pleased about that.”_

_“I can imagine. And how about playing the guitar?  Last time you were here in the studio you-.”_

_“No guitar.”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry.”_

_“Yeah, me too.” Another pause. “That’s probably been the hardest thing to cope with.”_

_“And your panic attacks?”_

_A soft sigh._

_“They’re better now. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past eight or nine months and that’s really helped. Especially with my hands as well, that got me really down, like. But he’s helped so much and I’ve moved on so much since then.”_

_“That can’t have been easy, especially with the trial dragging everything back up again and the press catching on to some of the details that weren’t made public before. I have to ask, how much did you know about everything was going on? A member of your own security was involved in threatening you.”_

_“None of us had expected that but it kind of makes sense now. He put notes in places for me to find, he told her where we were going to be and helped her break into the complex where we used to live.”_

_“Do you know why?”_

_“It’s all so messed up but he loved her, like.”_

_“Love makes us do crazy things.”_

_“It does.”_

_“Speaking of love, we’ve had thousands of messages in, what’s the relationship status of everyone in the band at the moment?”_

_A laugh, “I wondered how long it was going to be before that question came up.”_

_“Well? Don’t keep us in suspense.”_

_“Zayn’s just got himself a girlfriend and the rest of us are in relationships.”_

_“You’re all taken? You’ve managed to keep that well hidden!”_

_“Do you think so? I suppose Louis was right, like, there’s really nothing better than hiding something in plain sight.”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“The fans’ll work it out.”_

_“And on that cryptic note, I’m going to have to bring this interview to an end. Thank you so much for taking time to talk to us. I wish you all the best for the album release and the tour, you deserve all the good things that are going to come your way!”_

_“Thanks, man! Can I just say something quickly?”_

_“Sure, go ahead.”_

_“Thank you to everyone out there who has supported us this past year and more. The 1D family is amazing and I know that Harry, Louis, Zayn and Liam are just as excited as I am to get out there and perform for you again! So, thank you, thank you, thank you! One Direction is back!”_


End file.
